Secrets and lies

Should we take the same approach to every child who tells a lie? Andrea Clifford-Poston says that we should first try to understand why they do

nothing enrages an adult more than children lying. Indeed, you are likely to have punished a child, not for the deed he or she did, but for lying about it.

Many adults feel that lying is never acceptable and yet, at the same time, will admit to telling 'white lies' themselves, such as making up an excuse to refuse an invitation.

Lying seems to be part of life; the writer D H Lawrence said we need to lie like we need to wear trousers.

At times we all feel the need to conceal ourselves from others, as well as explain ourselves to them. We are all likely to be creating a false impression in some part of our lives. It may be living in a particular house or driving a car beyond our income, or it may be by exaggerating the size and importance of our job. In this sense, lying is shifting the focus, 'putting a gloss on' one aspect and hiding another.

Maybe one of the reasons adults find it so difficult when children lie is because it resonates with a real human fear: the fear of being found out.

But what is it we fear that will be found out?

ARE ALL LIES THE SAME?

We tend to divide children's lies less as white and other lies. 'A lie is a lie' is often the adult's outlook. But just as adults deceive in different ways, so do children. Telling different lies at different ages can be signalling very different messages.

Secrets and lies are an important way for a child establishing his or her independence to experiment with separateness from their parents. Freud said that the child's first successful lie to their parents is their first moment of independence; it proves to the child that their parents can't read their mind.

The following examples illustrate some of the lies typically told by children.

Trivial lies

Trivial lying, which is usually at its height between the ages of four and seven, is a developmental stage for the child. Small children feel that adults know all about them and their world, almost magically being able to sense and meet their needs, giving them a tremendous sense of security.

However, in their quest for independence, children begin to desire a secret life away from adults. They may express this by lying over trivial matters, such as whether or not they have cleaned their teeth.

If they do not get found out, they think it proves that they have a private life and are becoming independent. They are beginning to exert their own wishes against the adults' successfully.

However, if a child continues to tell trivial lies excessively after the age of seven, it is likely that the lying is less a stage of development and more of a communication.

Such a child may feel that they do not have enough age-appropriate freedom and that the adults are intruding too much into their growing private world. This is especially true of 'tweens' for whom secrets and lies are an essential part of developing a sense of privacy which excludes their parents.

Boasting

Colin, aged nine, was a worry to his club leaders. He regularly attended holiday club, during which he invariably took a holiday with his parents.

On his return, the other children would gasp with envy as he described his exciting holiday adventures and the lavish presents he had been given.

His club leaders knew that the presents did not exist and the holiday was much more ordinary than Colin claimed. Some of them were irritated by his 'boasting' and felt he should be confronted about it, but others did not want to risk humiliating him.

We came to understand Colin as a child who felt he could gain popularity by causing envy. Deep inside, he feared he did not have enough good qualities to be loved and admired for himself. He had to 'put a gloss' on his personality and life experience.

We began to think of boasting lies as a child's way of communicating their fear of rejection and also, their way of experimenting with being bigger and grander.

An 11-year-old in the same club was often boasting for a different purpose.

She always reported excellent test results to her parents, telling them that she had finally been placed second in her class.

In reality, her performance was more or less average academically.But she had been trying to impress her parents with spectacular results in an attempt to gain their love, praise and recognition, which this girl felt were conditional on her being successful at school.

She was afraid that there was something wrong with 'not knowing' or being incompetent. Such children live in a precarious world, putting themselves under extreme pressure to succeed for fear of losing love and approval.

The club workers began to think about the culture around incompetence, both in these children's homes and in club. They reflected about how they reacted to their own mistakes.

We often say, 'I was so stupid ... I was really dumb ... I felt such a fool ...'. Such remarks may give children the impression that there is something wrong with making a mistake, rather than the idea that while one endeavours to do one's best, incompetence is part of being human.

Lies that explain feelings

Eight-year-old Ellie had arrived one day at after-school club very distressed. She reported that her hamster had died the previous night and her mother had put it in the dustbin. She had been given the hamster by her father shortly before he had left the family.

Ellie's playworker took her distress seriously and helped her to have a little goodbye ceremony for her hamster. She was puzzled by the mother's seeming lack of concern and when Ellie continued to be upset for several days, she raised the matter with her. It emerged that Ellie did not have, and never had had, a hamster, let alone one recently deceased!

Sometimes children will spin a complete fantasy, as a way of explaining unhappiness or experiences they do not comprehend.

Ellie knew she was unhappy and knew she felt bereft but she couldn't put her experience into words. She invented a story that made sense to her. It was an explanation of her feelings linked to an experience to which she could relate.

Adults use metaphors and similes to explain how they feel, such as 'I felt as if I'd been run over by a steamroller'. Ellie was doing the same, but because she was a child, omitting the words 'as if'. To her it felt as though this event had really happened.

Ellie's club leader realised it was important not to punish her for lying.

She explained to Ellie that she understood that Ellie was telling her that she felt as unhappy as if her favourite pet had died and no-one had cared.

'It wasn't me'

Twelve-year-old Amy had attended the same club for some years, and each playworker had gradually become suspicious that she was stealing. When questioned, she would be co-operative and deny all guilt, steadfastly looking the playworker in the eye. Amy seemed so plausible, that the staff reasoned it would be impossible for her not to show traces of anxiety in lying about such serious offences.

Eventually, Amy was caught red-handed. She apologised immediately, leaving her playworkers confused about her stealing.

Sometimes children under extreme stress will appear to cope very well with life. This is because they have divorced themselves from their distressed or unhappy side.

As a child you may have had an imaginary friend whom you used as a scapegoat for your own misdemeanours. In a similar way, an older child may split off part of themselves, almost as though it is another person. What is split off is the aspect of themselves the child feels to be bad or unlovable.

Amy believed that if she could get rid of the distressed part of herself, then the adults would only be aware of the 'good Amy.' When such children are asked if they are lying, they will reply quite honestly, 'No,' because they believe they are telling the truth. They have separated off from themselves the person who committed the offence.

Sometimes you can persuade such children to admit the crime, but they are unlikely to understand adequately or accept the consequences of their behaviour. It is highly likely they will do the same thing again.

Over the next few weeks, Amy became depressed. She was beginning to realise that it was indeed she who had been stealing; there were not two Amys, a bad one who stole and a good one who didn't. Children telling dissociated lies are likely to need professional help.

Andrea Clifford-Poston is an educational therapist and author of Tweens: What to Expect and How to Survive Your Child's Pre-Teenage Years, published by OneWorld