Positive relationships: Ask the expert ... All night long

A boy in my reception class happened to mention that he and his six-year-old sister sleep in their mother's bed. It seems that this has been the family sleeping arrangements since the father left the home about ten months ago. The children see the father regularly and seem to be adjusting to his absence from the home. However, as the boy's teacher, I wondered how these sleeping arrangements might affect him and what if anything, I should say to the mother.

This complex question has many issues within it, including the parents' relationship (before and after their split), the effect of their separation on their son, and co-sleeping.

In this instance, co-sleeping has arisen not out of a particular belief system regarding sleeping all together, but rather as a response to the adult situation - and so potentially will require great sensitivity on the part of the practitioners.

CO-SLEEPING

Co-sleeping is the subject of a great deal of discussion, with much of the debate centring around infants sleeping with their mothers/parents. There are strong opinions on either side, with some insisting that co-sleeping in this way is natural and to be encouraged, while others see it as encouraging dependence and poor sleep patterns as well as being potentially dangerous (through possible smothering).

What also has to be taken into account in the debate is that the emphasis on putting babies to sleep on their own is part of the Western idealisation of independence and self-sufficiency. Many cultures take co-sleeping with infants for granted and view the Western practice of having babies sleep alone as not just unnatural, but cruel!

To balance this, as Berry Brazelton (2001) points out, the termination of co-sleeping in these cultures can be abrupt and, therefore, difficult for the child - highlighting that there are no easy answers, whatever arrangements are used.

Whether a child spends all night in their parents' bed or goes there only for feeding, reassurance and play, at some point a child will be sleeping in their own bed. Such a transition is always going to be hard for the child.

The process needs to be taken slowly so the child gets used to the idea that they can sleep alone, and this may take some time. Parents, too, must discuss how they feel about the child being in their bed - adults do need some time for intimacy and privacy. Once the child is demonstrating more independence during the day, this may seem a more 'natural' time for the child to be 'moving on' to the next phase of their growing individuality.

So, whatever the sleeping arrangements and the timing of transition, we must consider the whole context, background and culture of the participants.

TOO OLD?

This brings us to the issue of when a child becomes 'too old' to sleep with the parents. Perhaps the child wanting more independence is one indicator, and the other may be puberty.

There are instances of children approaching puberty who sleep with parents, especially if one parent is on their own. The sensitive issue of gender then also raises its head. Is it appropriate for a boy approaching puberty to share a bed with his mother? Would we be more concerned if it were a father and a daughter? What about a boy and his father and a girl with her mother? Again, there are cultural differences regarding both age and gender arrangements.

The practitioner in this case feels that the situation is inappropriate in some way. The gender issue may be part of her concern, as she has not indicated any objections about the sister also sleeping with the mother. She may also be troubled that the sleeping arrangements can be traced back not to a belief system, but to the parents' separation.

CARING SOLUTION

In spite of the reassurance that the boy sees his father regularly and seems to be adjusting to the situation, both he and his sister will have been affected by the separation. But I imagine that there must also have been difficulties beforehand.

He and his sister may have felt the influence of the unhappiness in the household for some time. In these situations, children will certainly want and need reassurance that their world remains essentially safe in spite of all the upheavals and that their relationship with their parent(s) remains secure, consistent and reliable.

I wonder how the situation initially arose. For example, when Dad left, were the children deeply upset, and so sleeping with Mum seemed an obvious and caring solution? This may seem to solve the problem of the children's needs in the short term. However, if shared sleeping arrangements had not been the 'norm', it may be doubly difficult for them to return to sleeping in their own beds if circumstances change - especially if, in the long term, the mother has a new relationship.

There is another perspective, in that the mother may also have felt very lonely and abandoned, and hated sleeping alone. She too may have sought comfort in the love and affectionate presence of her children.

While this is totally understandable, children need a parent to be the parent. They want and need their parent, in the words of the authors of the 'Circle of Security' early intervention project, to be stronger, wiser and kind. A child cannot be the 'parent' and cannot be responsible for their parent's emotional well-being. It is far too hard a burden for a child to bear, no matter how sensitive and caring they may be.

Once again, the changing needs of the mother may lead to her not wanting these sleeping arrangements to continue, perhaps leaving the children feeling emotionally abandoned once more.

Finally, it is interesting to think about the context in which the boy told the practitioner about these sleeping arrangements. For example, did it arise naturally through aspects of play or a talk about home life, or has the child appeared distressed in their behaviour since the separation?

If the little boy seems generally distressed, then it would seem appropriate for the practitioner to gently explore the issue with the mother by asking how she feels the family are coping. The practitioner seems to be fully aware of the situation, so this gives a safe 'entrance' to such a discussion.

If the child appeared simply to be stating a 'fact' and seemed unconcerned, the practitioner could just monitor the situation, ensuring that the child has opportunities to talk about any issues that may be troubling him.

It may also be useful to ask the sister's teacher how the child is doing and whether the sister has talked about home or seems unhappy. Again, this might provide a wider picture and help to ensure good communication between the adults in contact with these siblings, so that if any worries or concerns do arise because of their own sense of loss or changing circumstances, then a combined, sympathetic and caring approach can be instigated.

Maria Robinson is an early years consultant and author of From Birth to One and Child Development from Birth to Eight: A journey through the early years (Open University Press). Her Nursery World series on child development can be accessed online at: www.nurseryworld.co.uk/go/guides

REFERENCES

- Berry Brazelton, T, Sparrow, JD, (2001) Touchpoints 3-6. Cambridge, MA, Perseus Publishing

- Cooper, G, Hoffman, K & Powell, B, Circle of Security: www.circleofsecurity.org

- Tracht, J (2007) Having your child sleep in your bed. www.divorceonline.com/whats-new/2007/2/24/ having-your-child-sleep-in-your-bed.html

- If you have a behaviour query for Maria Robinson, please e-mail it to: ruth.thomson@haymarket.com