Making friends: Best buddies

What attracts young children to each other and how do they make friends? The development of social skills is outlined by Dr Richard Woolfson

Not only does a child have more fun when she has friends to play with, it is also a great boost to her self-confidence.

But not every child is outgoing, so don't worry if she isn't the life and soul of the nursery. The chances are that she is perfectly happy not being the centre of attention, and that she is friendly in her own quiet way. However, it's always worth checking out whether a quiet child would like to be friendlier, or to be more popular than she is. Maybe she needs help from you to make more friends in the nursery.

Psychological research has revealed the following facts about friendships in the nursery:

• Children with siblings tend to be better at sharing than only children; they learn to share from birth.
  
  
• A child who has not formed a strong emotional attachment with at least one adult by the age of three years will experience difficulty making friends with her peers.
  
  
• Sociable and popular parents tend to have children who are friendly and popular; the child's family will play a substantial part in developing her sociability.
  
  
• By the age of four or five years, a child usually chooses a friend because she values that particular child's talents and characteristics; being able to have joint activities is important in the choice.
  
  
• Friendships among pre-school children can change regularly, from week to week, and even from hour to hour - yesterday's best friend may already be forgotten by today.

Ages and stages

• One year: The typical one-year-old loves being in the company of others her own age, but she may become very distressed when another child doesn't do what she expects.
  
  
• Two years: Other children become increasingly important to her, and she becomes irritable when she plays on her own too long.
  
  
• Three years: She is more sociable now and less self-centred. She starts to have particular friends, although these friendships change regularly.
  
  
• Four years: Playing with other children is easier; bickering is less frequent now. She is much more caring towards them and she is distressed if she thinks others are upset.
  
  
• Five years: She is keen to be accepted by others, and will be troubled if she thinks they leave her out of their games - peer group approval really matters.
  
  
• Six years plus : The child consolidates and extends the social skills acquired during the pre-school years. She now forms strong friendships that can last for years.

Social learning theory

Social learning theory is based on the premise that development does not take place in isolation and that children learn from others. Psychologist Albert Bandura emphasised the concept of 'observational learning' in which a child's own values, behaviour and social skills are affected by witnessing the behaviour of a 'model'.

Bandura and his research colleagues found that a child is most likely to model the behaviour and values of someone she finds attractive. They also discovered that a child is most likely to imitate a model's behaviour when she sees the model's action gain a positive response. According to social learning theory, therefore, friends are key agents of socialisation in a child's life. Through the process of modelling, the child begins to form attitudes and behaviour that imitate those of the friendship model. That's why a child's choice of friends matters during the pre-school years - she starts to be like them.

Psychologists have also identified the key social skills facilitating popularity, which include:

• Communication. Anti-social behaviour often stems from a child's inability to communicate her emotions and desires through spoken language.
  
  
• Social confidence. Popular children use effective 'opening strategies' when meeting new peers, such as introducing themselves or organising a game to play.
  
  
• Pacifying gestures. Pacifying gestures (such as smiling, offering a toy, showing approval) improve friendships; aggressive (such as shouting, scowling, clenching fists) do not.
  
  
• Sharing. Genuine sharing involves a child giving something of her own to another child without expecting to receive anything in return.
  
  
• Co-operation. To form friendships, children have to be able to work together, listen to each other, follow agreed rules and support one another.
  
  
• Positive reinforcement. This social skill involves showing approval to her friends and praising them when they do something she likes.
  
  
• Manners and hygiene. In general, children like others who have good manners, who are polite and who have a good level of personal hygiene.

Encouraging friendships

Here are some other ways you can encourage children to make friends, either in the nursery or in a domestic situation:

• Co-operative play. Playing together is one of the best techniques for teaching children how to be friendly, especially games that involve co-operation rather than competition.
  
  
• Sharing and turn-taking. Try not to be impatient with a child who complains about sharing or who always barges to the front of the queue. Explain that the rules benefit her as much as the others, and encourage her when she does share.
  
  
• Caring behaviour. When you see a child in the nursery help another, let her know how pleased you are. This reinforces the caring action and makes it more likely to be repeated in the future.
  
• Conflict management. When you discover two children arguing, calm them down, sit them so that they face each other, then try to help them resolve their argument peacefully.
  
  
• Compromise. Since friendships often become strained when two children want the same thing at the same time, learning to compromise is important. For instance, when children disagree over what game to play, suggest that they first play one game and then the other.
  
  
• Responsibility. Give the children specific jobs in the nursery that involve helping others. For example, a child might be asked to help another child tidy up the book corner, or perhaps an older child might help a younger child complete a puzzle toy.
  
  
• Example. You can't expect the children in your nursery to be sociable if you and your colleagues constantly bicker. Nursery staff should be pleasant and supportive, providing a model of sociability for the children to copy.