Health & Wellbeing: A group for dads

Where can dads meet to chat about fatherhood – the challenges and the fun moments? While there are plenty of parenting support groups, both in person and online, they are often dominated by mothers, and it can still be tricky for men to find a place where they feel comfortable.

Father and TV presenter Nigel Clarke, whose work includes hosting The Baby Club on CBeebies, recognised this imbalance and founded the community interest company Dadvengers in 2019 with the aim of helping fathers to feel just as supported as mothers.

‘We did an all-dad episode of The Baby Club in the second series and the response we got on set from the producers, the people taking part and viewers was amazing,’ says Clarke. ‘It was great, but then I thought, hold on, this is only great because we don’t normally see it. So I researched what dad groups are out there and how welcoming they feel. The result was that there was not much dad stuff, and often the tone of what was there wasn’t right. It was slightly condescending and less empowering than it should be. Rather than an attitude of “let’s all work together so that we can be the best we can be”, it was much more, “Hey, you don’t know what you’re doing”.’

Clarke has two teenagers and an 18-month-old and says that he has seen lots of positive changes in the 16 years that he has been a father. But he believes that support models for parenting need to change to keep up with the way that society views the role of raising children. ‘We’re living in a different age where fathers are wanting to be primary carers and mums are wanting to go back to work. So it’s a very different parenting landscape that’s being modelled to us,’ he explains. ‘We need support for this new kind of space and new way we’re parenting.’

He acknowledges that most parenting groups do not exclude dads, but says they are often inundated with mums. ‘Often you’ll find one or two dads at the back of the room, and that can make men feel off-kilter,’ he explains. ‘When you have a room that’s more 50-50 mums and dads then the men are going to feel more comfortable because they are not the minority, and they will open up more and start sharing about their experiences of sleep deprivation or feeding issues, or whatever it is.’

Clarke does not feel that the numbers of dads currently accessing baby groups reflect how many fathers are taking a hands-on role in raising their children. He says barriers to men attending parenting groups include:

• Feeling uncomfortable that they are the only man.
• Worrying that women will think their presence is inappropriate.
• Thinking that attending a baby group is not ‘manly’ – although Clarke believes that this attitude is lessening.
• Being afraid that they wouldn’t know what to do at the group.
• The logistics of attending groups if they are working full-time.
  
  

PARENTING SPACE

While Dadvengers’ marketing is deliberately aimed at fathers, Clarke says mothers are also welcome. ‘We do not want the groups to become inundated with mums, but our ultimate aim is for it to become more of a parenting space,’ he explains. ‘The goal at the end of the day is for us all as parents to work together for better outcomes for our children.’

Clarke’s vision is for Dadvengers to become the leading organisation in the UK supporting fathers to be inspiring parents. The organisation has four pillars:

• Break stereotypes, such as the ‘dads babysit’ attitude, and generational gender biases.
• Build better parenting communities with weekly Dad Walks, dad focused events and a social media community.
• Aid mental wellbeing with supportive groups, podcasts and blogs.

Share knowledge through courses aimed at expectant fathers and informative social media.

‘I feel if we impact one person within a family for the better, then we’re making things better for the family as a whole,’ says Clarke. ‘If a dad feels supported and more comfortable to interact with their child, then they are going to bond with them better. They’re able to support their partner better too and then you’ve got two parents working together. Suddenly their child is happier because they are not surrounded by anxiety. We want to make things better for children and for parents.’

ROYAL SUPPORT

Last year, HRH The Princess of Wales gave her support to Dadvengers in recognition of the organisation’s shared goal with the Royal Foundation Centre for Early Childhood’s Shaping Us campaign, to promote the importance of early childhood and improve outcomes in the first five years of a child’s life (see Further information). The princess joined fathers and their children at the Arnos Arms pub in north London to find out about their experiences and join them for their regular walk in the local park. Conversations ranged from the lack of male parenting spaces and paternity leave to male mental health.

Supporting the mental wellbeing of fathers is a big part of Dadvengers. ‘We know that the suicide rates are three times as high for men than women and, whether they are fathers or not, you can guarantee that there are too many dads within that number that are taking their lives,’ says Clarke. ‘So why is that? They need support. They need places where they can open up, and they need to have access to early intervention.’

Dadvengers aims to reduce isolation for fathers by signposting them to groups where they can receive peer-to-peer support.

‘It’s so rewarding as a father to be involved in raising your child,’ says Clarke. ‘The chemicals released in your body from being a good parent and helping your child are phenomenal. It gives you a sense of achievement and purpose, which is fulfilling and good for everyone’s wellbeing. Dads should be encouraged to be involved because children need a wealth of role models to learn experiences from.’

CASE STUDY: Kwame Agyei

‘Where is there for fathers to go, especially single parents?’ asks Kwame Agyei, who is a co-parent to three-year-old Cruz. ‘It was difficult to find safe spaces to socialise with other fathers at weekends, especially when I live in Essex and don’t know the area of north London where Cruz’s mother lives. I was so lucky to find Dadvengers in Arnos Grove.

‘I contacted them and was invited to come down and see what I thought. I was completely blown away because it was like meeting old friends. There was no judgement and I could relax, talk and ask all the little questions. My friends hadn’t started having families so it was good to be around people with young children of a similar age, discuss what our children were doing and share advice on things like sleeping. Cruz was a Covid baby so I was even worried about whether I should be taking him outdoors. He was around one year old when we started going and the group has really helped his social skills.

‘I think it can be harder for dads to admit they should branch out and socialise with other fathers, so we’ll see other dads out and about, spark up a conversation and invite them along to the Saturday group too. It’s grown into a big network, which is fantastic. There needs to be places where fathers can network and bounce ideas off each other. I’m a newbie compared to some, so I can learn from their mistakes and prepare myself for the next stages.

‘Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. It pushes you to your limit but the rewards can’t be measured.’

Further information

• https://dadvengers.com
• https://royalfoundation.com/early-childhood