It's easy to feel that children don't worry much. After all, they are spared the usual adult anxieties about paying the mortgage or rent, about jobs, money and relationships. But their worries are very real to them and can easily develop into fear.
There are many common fears in childhood. Perhaps the most alarming are the fears of rejection or abandonment by parents and the fears of being physically harmed by them when they are very angry. Children have a deep sense that their entire well-being and survival depend on their parents' goodwill. Children who feel unloved and resented may build up a sense of insecurity, which shows itself in a general fearfulness. Excessive anxiety will also develop in children who are severely punished or threatened. Parents who say 'I'll beat the living daylights out of you', 'You'll be the death of me', 'I'll leave you at the nursery' or 'I'll get the police to take you away' may know that their threats are not serious but children under five years old are extremely scared by them. For some of these children, nursery is the only place where they can feel safe. Nursery staff should not always cheerfully assume that all the children are looking forward to Friday evening and the weekend as much as they are.
Infectious fear
It's natural to assume that angry, rejecting or threatening parents should frighten children, but it's not always so well recognised that separations from loved parents can be frightening too, unless these are sensitively managed. It's important for children to have stable substitutes when parents are away. Although the loss of a favourite nursery nurse or frequent changes in nursery staff won't undermine a confident, secure child for long, a child who is insecure at home may be very upset by these changes. It will help the child if they are prepared for staff changes and able to say a proper goodbye to leaving staff. Unless explanations are given for staff's departure, insecure children may imagine that they themselves are to blame.
Fear is infectious and parents can also frighten children by being over-concerned about them. A mother's constant worries about her child's physical safety may make him feel that the world is a dangerous place. Over-concern about a child's emotional or intellectual development can also make a child very worried about his adequacy and acceptability.
Although nervous children 'catch' fears from nervous parents, some are burdened with fears that stem from experiences of their own. Dog bites, accidents, serious illness or distressing treatments by doctors may all prove traumatic. Some fears arise from misunderstandings, particularly in the difference between reality and fantasy. Once a three-year-old is frightened by a film it is unlikely she will remember that it is 'not real'.
Although it's natural to want to reduce children's anxiety, it's worth remembering that fear does have a purpose. It alerts children to danger and stimulates them to master difficulties. We should be much more concerned about children who have no apparent fears about separation or loss, and who show no respect for heights, or traffic, or authority.
How you can help
When a child is frightened she needs to feel able to turn to an adult for help. It's a sign of trust in that adult to be able to do so. If you are the chosen adult, what do you do?
First, listen. Encourage the child to tell you more about the fear. It's important to show that you treat the fear seriously and want to learn all about it. Telling a child that there is nothing to worry about may only make her more anxious.
Second, let her know that it's natural for children to be afraid and to worry about things and that they gradually learn to cope with fears as they grow up. Third, think of practical ways you might help. If there is nothing practical to be done about it, try to reassure her without deceiving her in any way. For example, if she's afraid that Mum will be late to collect her again, it's better to say that if this happens you will wait with her and help her deal with it, rather than to claim that Mum will be on time.
Finally, don't be afraid to baby a really frightened child. It's up to you to judge when a child is ready to be brave with your support, but first she may need the shelter of your lap or the firm hold of your hand. NW
