Temper tantrums are part of normal child development. Although it's easy to suppose that tantrums are signs of spoiling and that the child's parents must be doing something wrong, there's no doubt that most toddlers do have them, however 'good' or 'bad' their parents' childrearing practices may be.
Full-blown tantrums can be a horrid and frightening experience for children and they are often upsetting for adults to watch too, so it's natural to hope that we can find a way of helping children out of the tantrum as soon as possible.
Ages and stages
- Tantrums often start before the first birthday. At this age they occur especially when children want something they can't have, or when they are restrained for dressing or nappy-changing.
- About 20 per cent of one-year-olds are already having several tantrums a day.
- Tantrums increase in frequency and duration in the second year.
- Tantrums are usually at their maximum between 20 and 36 months.
- By five years of age the worst should be well over.
Parents' response
Parents vary widely in how they manage a tantrum. They may try to distract or cuddle their child out of it, they may smack them, ignore them or try to reason with them as the child gets older. Smacking usually only makes children angrier, so parents may experiment to discover which response works best for them and their child. Prevention may be easier than cure. When parents are feeling on top of things they can often anticipate what might trigger a tantrum in their child and by applying some thought they can avoid it. The same is true in the nursery. There will be more tantrums when staff are under pressure and there's no time to think.
Where tantrums occur
Home: It's usual for children to have their worst tantrums at home, since frustrations imposed by people they love most are the most frustrating. Home is also usually the safest place to let it all hang out. Many children keep their tantrums for their parents and never have them in the nursery. When tantrums spread to the nursery too, it may be a sign of increased frustration or of safety to let go. It may be surprising that trusting you with a tantrum may be a step forward for some children, not the step backward that it may seem to be.
Nursery: For a few children, tantrums take place in the nursery but not at home. These children may perceive their parents as too fragile to cope with their rage, or they may be too frightened of parental discipline to let themselves go. You can then perform the valuable function of containing these children's violent expression of the conflicts which they cannot risk expressing at home.
No tantrums: And what about children who never have a tantrum at home or the nursery? Although they make life easy for us, perhaps they miss something by never allowing themselves an all-out emotional experience and discovering that, in spite of their fury, everyone survives.
Although most tantrums represent a necessary stage in normal development, some tantrums are a real cause for concern on account of their nature or their frequency.
Case study: Elisabeth
Elisabeth had occasional tantrums at home and at the nursery from the age of about two years, but after her baby brother was born when she was three years three months old, she began to have tantrums in which she deliberately hurt herself. She pulled out strands of her hair and bit her arms and legs. The nursery staff were upset at this behaviour and spoke to Elisabeth's mother, Emma, who had seen the same behaviour at home and was also worried about it. Emma accepted the suggestion that she ask her GP to refer Elisabeth to the local Child and Family Consultation Service.
There, the whole family was seen for three sessions of family therapy. The sessions revealed that Elisabeth was finding it hard to meet the parents' new expectations of 'grown-up, big sister' behaviour. She was also upset at being punished by being shut outside the family flat, in a communal corridor. She was able to say that she thought that her parents didn't want to keep her. When her parents understood her fears, they responded to her bad behaviour by picking her up and holding her firmly, instead of shutting her outside. This reassured Elisabeth that she was still wanted in spite of being naughty. The tantrums quickly subsided.
No universal solutions
Unfortunately there are no universal solutions for dealing with temper tantrums. What helps one child doesn't always help another. Many children in the throes of a tantrum don't want to be touched at all and just need to be left to get on with it. Afterwards they may be glad to be offered a cuddle and to know that we sympathise with how terrible it is to get so upset and that we have faith that they will be able to manage better soon.
Case study: Mark
Mark had been a handful in the nursery ever since he could walk. He pushed and shoved other children when he could not get his way, and by the time he was two years six months old he was throwing major tantrums almost daily.
Mark's key worker, Sylvia, could not always tell what set off his tantrums, but one repeated trigger was the need to share adult attention, especially Sylvia's. She wondered if Mark's difficulty about sharing was due to his having his mother all to himself, for he was the only child of a single mother, Mary.
Sylvia wanted to talk with Mary but Mary always found a good reason not to come in for a chat. Sylvia was annoyed, but she realised that Mary could be frightened of what she might hear. This turned out to be true. When at last Sylvia and Mary met, Mary expressed the fear that Mark was just like his father, from whom she had separated because of his violence towards her. She felt sure that the nursery would reject him.
She now had a boyfriend to live with her, and Mary had started to send Mark to spend weekends with his father. Now Sylvia could understand why Mark felt so insecure about sharing. She and Mary discussed how Mary might talk sympathetically to Mark about the changes in his life and how she might help him to manage his weekends away. Sylvia and Mary would both reassure him that even when they were not with him he was not forgotten and he was wanted back.
After this Mary came for brief chats with Sylvia about Mark's progress. She began to see him through Sylvia's eyes, as a toddler who was having difficulty adjusting to a new relationship, and not as a bad boy destined to become as violent as his father had been.
Helping parents
When parents have become discouraged and pessimistic about difficulties in their children's development, you may sometimes be able to help them see the problem differently, as Sylvia did. Even when you cannot influence parents, you have much to offer children by supporting them when things go badly and by expressing your own faith in the child's growing capacity to manage better. Helping Mark to manage sharing in the nursery was an important step towards helping him to share his mother.
It can be hard to support difficult children who leave you feeling useless and angry. It is natural and inevitable that you cannot always feel friendly and constructive. You need the support of other nursery staff and opportunities for group discussion in order to do your best with the many challenges posed by children and their parents. l
The next article in this series, on 23 March, will look at positive long-term approaches to dealing with behaviour problems.
