All early years practitioners should work in close partnership with parents, but the role of a nanny is especially intertwined with family life. Part of sorting out the details of your job has to be a discussion with parents about what you do with the children and what the parents do.
Different arrangements can suit different families, so there is no perfect model for this form of childcare. However, some parents may want to draw the boundaries in ways that make your job difficult or unpredictable. This time of year can offer an option to renegotiate those boundaries, since nannies often start new jobs and the children start school once more, with that sense of 'new beginnings'.
When nanny is the parent
At one extreme, some parents want a nanny to take over all responsibility for the children's pre-school, school and social life: to become in effect a replacement parent. Of course, many nannies operate with sole charge for agreed hours or for longer when parents are away on business. But is it reasonable for the nanny, or emotionally healthy for the children, if a nanny becomes a parent surrogate?
Scenario: Maggie's dilemma
Maggie works for a family in which both parents work long hours and travel extensively. The parents pursue ambitious careers, and their interpretation of sole charge is that Maggie will attend all the school functions for five-year-old Daniel.
Maggie has been the familiar face when Daniel did his special presentation in assembly. She goes to all the open evenings, talks with teachers, and resolved Daniel's early problems with bullying in the playground. She alone organises all social activities for Daniel and two-year-old Simon, including their birthday parties. Maggie has dealt with the children's medical and dental care and each of Simon's developmental checks at the local clinic.
Maggie is very fond of the children and she does not mind carrying out a high proportion of these responsibilities. But she has become increasingly concerned about the children's emotional dependence on her as a parent figure. Daniel no longer even asks if 'Mummy or Daddy will come to my school', and there have been awkward situations when Simon wanted to be comforted by Maggie and struggled to get out of his mother's arms.
There are serious consequences if parents delegate a great deal of family life like this. Nannies are responsible people, but such a scenario overlooks the children's personal and emotional development.
Parents who have demanding careers, or very busy social lives of their own, sometimes place their children as a lower personal priority. Children are usually understanding about parents having to work, but if work always takes top priority, then the children will give their emotional commitment elsewhere.
A serious problem arises when mothers and/or fathers believe that parenting is all about biological possession ('it's my child!') and not about shared time and affectionate attention. The media image of 'having it all' has led some adults to expect that later on when their own life becomes less hectic, or their children are 'older/less demanding/ more interesting', it will be easy to opt into being an involved parent.
Maggie, and nannies in her position, can get to a point where they need to say something to parents for the sake of the child. There is no perfect form of words, but the messages could be something like: * 'It would mean a very great deal to Daniel if you or your husband could be there for his special assembly next Tuesday.'
* 'Mrs Green (dentist) really does need to speak with you about Daniel's teeth. She is asking me to make decisions that can only be made by you.'
* 'Can I talk with you about what happened with Simon yesterday. I know it was difficult that he ran to me. But he is only just two and - I find this hard to say to you - he has spent very little time with you in recent months. He needs to get to know your ways.'
Parents who can't let go
At the other extreme of the possible spectrum, some nannies struggle to work with families where one or both parents find it very difficult to give up real responsibility. Some parents know that they need childcare, but have great difficulty in accepting that their children will form an attachment to someone else. Perhaps a parent, in contrast with the other scenario, wants exclusive rights over all the social or school functions, when the children would like you to be involved as well. A mix of understandable adult feelings can underpin this situation, but the results can be disruptive, as in the case of Helen.
Scenario: Helen's frustration
Within a month of starting her new job, Helen has realised that three-year-old Rosie's parents have great difficulty in handing over responsibility for their daughter. Both parents run their business from one floor of their home and their daily presence has undermined promises that Helen will have sole charge.
Rosie's mother draws up detailed lists of what Helen should do with Rosie, including regular gym club, dance, music and French. The end of each day is a pressured conversation about what has happened and why. Rosie's father is less concerned to check up on the schedule, but more likely simply to appear from the in-house office and want to spend time with Rosie, regardless of what she and Helen have planned. At these times, he now suggests that Helen should keep herself busy with housework or filing in the office.
For any parent, handing over your child to another person requires a high level of trust, and of course friendly conversation at the end of the day builds a good partnership between the nanny and the family. But nannies may find themselves in an impossible position, if parents feel they have to check on every movement. In extreme versions of lack of trust, parents may resort to using video surveillance, and some commercial businesses are only too willing to stoke parents' anxiety about their childcare.
Nannies in a position like Helen's need to consider their situation, showing that they fully acknowledge the importance of parents. But they have to be allowed to do the job without high levels of intervention.
* Helen could start by saying to the mother, 'I'm happy to talk about possibilities for Rosie's week, but this very detailed schedule makes me feel that you don't trust me. I'm an experienced nanny. I need to be able to organise my time with Rosie.'
* Alternatively, Helen might approach the problem from Rosie's perspective, 'Rosie and I have been following your schedule, but she is so unhappy.
Rosie even says now she doesn't want to go gym club, and she used to enjoy that. In my judgement she needs some relaxed time to choose for herself.'
* The problem of unpredictable parent appearances needs to be tackled, with diplomacy. Rosie's father may argue, 'why can't I spend some time with my daughter!' Helen can explain, 'And Rosie loves being with you. But she's very confused about when you're playing-Dad and when you're working-Dad.'
* Helen also needs to be assertive about her contract. 'When we talked about my job, it was very clear that I look after Rosie and her needs. I did not agree to do domestic or office work. I appreciate that you pay for my time, but it was your choice to take Rosie for two hours yesterday afternoon.'
Of course, many nannies experience some combination of these two scenarios, and parents may well be amenable to a discussion, if you approach them in a professional way.
* Be clear about your perspective: in what ways do you feel the boundaries of your role and the parents' have become blurred?
* Be clear about how you are willing to compromise and what is non-negotiable. Use assertive 'I' statements (as Helen says about her contract in the example given).
* Raise issues as one adult to another - for instance, 'Our joint outing yesterday got complicated. I think you and I need to chat about who is in charge when we are out together. So long as we are clear who's watching the children, then they'll be safe.'
* Nannies should show respect to parents, but respect is a two-way street.
You may need to say, 'I felt very uncomfortable this morning. I was dealing with... And then you stepped in and... If you feel I am not handling the children's squabbles the way that you would prefer, I would like you to talk with me directly. I wish you wouldn't contradict me in front of the children.'
