When we feel unable to understand a child's behaviour, the problem may be with our own thinking, says Jennie Lindon
When young children are hard to handle, adults often ask themselves 'Why is she doing this?' or even 'Why is she doing this to me?' It seems to be a natural inclination to look for reasons. We hope that there will be obvious causes for the behaviour and that these will help us to deal better with a child whose actions are disruptive or distressing within a nursery or pre-school.
However, to be supportive of the child, we have to keep limits on our wish to find out why and stay realistic in our hopes about what an explanation will then deliver.
Is there always a reason?
Logically there will always be a sequence leading up to what anybody does, for adults as well as children. It can be useful to consider possible reasons for children's behaviour so long as you recognise that:
n There will not always be obvious reasons and you can still build a relationship with individual children when you are uncertain about how they view their personal world.
- There is rarely a single explanation that demonstrates a neat cause-and-effect. Children's behaviour tends to follow patterns and there can be several sources that provoke particular actions.
- Possible reasons need to be approached in a constructive way, to help you plan forward with this child and definitely not as a method of working out who is to blame.
It is unfair to dismiss a child's explanation for what is happening as, 'Not good enough!' You will not help any child by being a judgmental adult. Children will usually not be able to give you a coherent explanation of their behaviour, so questions that begin with 'Why did you do that?' usually get a response of 'Because...', or 'He started it!' or just silence. Adults, too, are often unclear or untruthful about why they have acted thoughtlessly or just plain 'badly', so be fair as well as realistic in your expectations of young children.
Reasons for 'good' behaviour?
Most effort from adults goes into seeking reasons for behaviour from children that you find hard to handle. How about giving some time to contemplating the pattern behind the positive behaviour of children? For example:
- How is it that some children find it possible to resist hitting out, or find pleasure in being helpful? What can you learn from these observations?
- Individual children vary in temperament, of course, but you are also seeing the fruits of their experience to date, and that will include how you have behaved towards them.
- Children seen as 'difficult' are often on the receiving end of more nagging or criticism, and less encouragement, than children who adults believe are well behaved.
Needs versus actions
A desire to be trusted or to have the warm attention of an adult can emerge in a way that sometimes leads to trouble for a child. Helpful adults should allow for this.
For example, it is perfectly fair that children should want to feel important in their own world. They need to develop self-confidence and a sense of self-esteem. However, some children have learned to gain their position in a group through disruptive actions or dramatic gestures and language, even if it brings criticism. Young children need your help to find alternative ways to feel significant and respected. They will not learn new ways when adults just give them negative labels such as 'bossy' or 'rude'.
Is that wrong?
Children have a great deal to learn about the consequences of their actions and the ground rules of different settings - and they will also bring their past experience with adults and other children to bear on their time with you. Children tend to assume that what has worked before will work in a new setting. When a child's behaviour is inappropriate, remember that:
- Some children genuinely do not intend a consequence to follow from what they did or did not do. They were unable to predict that somebody would be hurt, physically or emotionally, or that they would be making a mess.
- Their experience, or developmental immaturity, may mean that children have a limited grasp of social skills. Make sure that your expectations are not too high, and support them as they learn.
- Children need to understand your ground rules. Your expectations are new to them, perhaps even different from another early years setting they know. Were you really clear about what the rules are, and is everyone on the team consistent in their messages?
- Some children may never have experienced adults who set boundaries and keep to consistent limits. In some families, children do not learn that adults sometimes say 'No' and mean it.
Real developmental problems
The reasons behind some children's behaviour may be linked to developmental problems that emerge as disabilities. But young children naturally have a short attention span. They also need time to let off steam in physically energetic activities. Settings that have a highly structured programme or require children to be unrealistically quiet are creating their own problems.
Some children may be shown to have specific disabilities related to attention control (Attention Deficit Disorder), but be very careful about rushing to this diagnosis. Much like the earlier label of 'hyperactivity', people label some young children negatively for what is only normal exuberance.
Variable hearing, learning disabilities or disorders within the autistic spectrum can also affect children's behaviour in ways that seem perplexing at first. Use your observation skills and keep communication open with parents. Any concerns can then be referred to the child's own GP, to a local child clinic or specialists such as a child psychologist or speech therapist.
Watch, listen and learn
An explanation of a child's behaviour is only the beginning. Remember to:
- Watch and listen to identify any patterns in the behaviour of individual children. Questions on the lines of 'how?', 'what?', 'when?', 'where?' and even 'who?' will be more useful in the end than 'why?'
- Consider ways that you and your colleagues can behave to help the child to learn other ways to cope with frustrations, legitimate feelings, and just wanting to do something that he knows he shouldn't rate view of the dynamics of what is going on, helping a child to shift her ways will take time, perseverance and patience. Children often increase their unwanted patterns of behaviour before your positive strategy starts to work.
- Consider whether your reactions to a child's behaviour may have made matters worse. Admitting that you are part of the whole picture is not the same as saying it's all your fault. However, you should feel responsible for working on some constructive approaches from now on - because you are the adult in this situation.
