New workshops aiming to help parents manage the impact of divorce or separation on their children are being piloted throughout the UK.
One in three children will see their parents split up before they are 16 years old. Parental separation can be an incredibly troubling and stressful ordeal for children and it is often a difficult issue for parents to discuss with them, sometimes leading to children getting overlooked. The 'Parenting After Parting' workshops aim to place children's well-being high on the agenda.
The workshops have been launched by Resolution, an association for family lawyers, after it was noted that support for families experiencing divorce in the UK was inconsistent. Only patchy services were provided by locally based initiatives. Chief executive of Resolution Karen MacKay says, 'Our members deal with divorce and separation on a daily basis. We try to promote non-confrontational dispute resolution for family disputes and encourage solutions that consider the needs of the whole family, in particular the best needs of the children. A lot of people know where to go for a divorce lawyer but do not know how to access other services and how to get help when supporting their children. We wanted to have something that our members could refer clients to that was of a consistent and reliable quality.'
The organisation turned to the US, which has had more than ten years of divorce information sessions, even compulsory ones in some states. Parenting expert Christina McGhee, who has coached thousands of families in Texas through divorce, designed the UK workshops and trained 30 presenters to run them in seven pilot regions - London, Cambridge, Kent, Newcastle, Milton Keynes, Surrey and West Midlands. They are being operated in partnership with Relate, Action for Children, Coram and local family mediation services.
During the four-hour workshop participants learn:
- What to say to children about separation and divorce
- How children are affected when parents split up
- Ways to help children manage feelings of grief and loss constructively
- Information on placing children first - before, during and after the divorce
- How to establish a 'parenting relationship' with their ex.
'The workshops are not intended to be finger-wagging or judgmental but a resource where parents can get information, advice and assistance,' says Ms MacKay. 'There is a natural British resistance to talking in groups, but it is invaluable to hear other people's experiences. Some parents have said that they realised the impact of their actions on their ex through hearing other people speak. It can be powerful. A lot of parents have said that the workshops have reinforced how important it is to put their children's needs first - it is easy to lose sight of that in the heat of emotional battles.'
The workshops are not compulsory, although judges have shown they are keen on the idea. Currently there is a £92 attendance fee, but it is hoped that Government funding will be gained if the pilot proves successful.
Feedback from the pilot's early stages has been positive, with one group wanting to continue as a support group to keep talking and share experiences. Other participants have asked for individual help. 'The workshops can help to normalise what people are going through,' says Ms MacKay. 'They can feel isolated and feel that what they are experiencing is not happening to anyone else. Feedback shows that it is reassuring to know that they are encountering a normal range of feelings, that it does happen to other families and that they do get through it.'
GOOD PRACTICE
Reassurance that children want to hear:
- While Mum and Dad's feelings for each other have changed, they will never stop loving their children
- Mum and Dad know it is hard on the child and they are sorry
- The child can always love both Mum and Dad and they will always be their parents
- The divorce is not their fault
- Divorce is a grown-up problem between Mum and Dad that the child cannot change
- They will always have a family. Instead of being a family in one home, they will have a family with Dad and a family with Mum
Further information
- Resolution, www.resolution.org.uk/parentingafterparting
- 'A parent's guide to ... children and divorce', Nursery World, 12 March 2009
