One important way that young children learn is through conversation, and that includes asking adults an exhausting number of questions. You'll know the answer to many questions, and you may experience great pleasure in telling and showing children how the sun makes the puddles disappear. Some questions, like 'So how does the yeasty stuff make our dough get big?' can be enjoyable opportunities to explore with children, along the lines of 'I'm not really sure; let's see if we can find out.'
You probably feel happy enough about replying to 'Where do potatoes come from?' But do you start to squirm if the question is, 'Where do babies come from?' and the even more pointed 'How do they get into the mummy's tummy then?' There will be a number of questions that may make you feel uncomfortable and perhaps at a loss as to how to reply.
As if awkward questions weren't enough, some public pronouncements by children may stop you in your tracks. Perhaps Harry comments loudly, 'Isn't that lady over there fat! She's as big as "the enormous turnip"!' Or Tanya shares her views on pee and poo, confident that you will be just as interested as she is about what happened this morning in the toilet. A further issue is that nannies, like many other early years practitioners, may be uncertain how to handle children's comments on people's visible disabilities, or the delicate issues around death or serious illness. There was a boy who was an avid collector of toy cars who kept asking his nanny for 'a black car like people ride in when they're being buried', certain that Matchbox must make a hearse.
Handling these situations starts with trying to appreciate what is probably going on from the child's point of view. When Daniel asks 'What are those two dogs doing?' he may simply be curious and puzzled. Daniel wants to know the answer and doesn't understand why you sound irritated with him or haven't replied. You could say, 'That's how dogs make babies', and Daniel may not ask anything else.
But it is not fair to give answers like 'They're playing piggyback'. Trusting you, Daniel is likely to believe you, share this nugget of information with another child and be told, 'Don't be so stupid'.
IS THAT A FACT?
To children their comments may be purely factual and they assume you'll be interested too. Or they may be sharing an amazing new discovery - one little boy who had to be taken into a public toilet with his nanny exclaimed, 'You can't wee because you haven't got a willy!' Perhaps Clement remarks, 'You know, I've got a little willy but my Daddy has a big willy.' Clement will be puzzled if you go 'Ssh!' and change the subject. A better alternative might be to answer factually with, 'Yes, your Daddy is a grown-up and you are still a young boy'.
Tanya will become less interested in pee and poo as she gets older, but you do not need to pretend to share her level of fascination now. Tanya is not being 'dirty' and you can divert an over-lengthy conversation with, 'I think that's enough about poo for now. How about we go and do some gardening?' Most children will not be setting out to embarrass you, so don't assume their intentions are dubious. However, if you know Clement well enough to be pretty sure he wants the blush to rise on your face, then you could follow up the factual reply with a clear shift, such as 'I think willies are private to you and your Daddy. The entire post office doesn't need to hear. Let's talk about what we'll buy in the market.' We encourage children to be observant and to share their thoughts with us. But it takes them time to understand social courtesies and realise that some topics are best not made top-volume public announcements. Perhaps Harry is correct in his observation; the 'lady over there' is of a substantial size. But he can also learn that there is no need to risk hurting people's feelings. You can say quietly, 'Yes, I hear you, but I think she might feel unhappy about hearing you say that.' After you have moved on, you could have a short conversation with Harry, reassuring him that you are not cross but checking that he understands about politeness.
It's worth reflecting a little on the source of your own uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps in your childhood you were told, 'Don't be rude' when you made factual comments. Looking back as an adult, you realise you were not actually rude as a child. But that well-worn phrase has a tendency to pop out of your mouth now as a way of dealing with children's questions or comments you would rather not hear.
For example, Laura looks after four-year-old Jon, whose family is relaxed about nudity. Laura and Jon are changing for a swimming session and Laura inadvertently loses hold of her towel. Jon looks and says, 'My Mummy's got a furry bit just like that'.
Laura was raised in a family that was much more reticent about the body and for a moment she feels shocked. But she stops herself from criticising Jon, realising that there are no undertones to his remark. So Laura replies, 'Yes, all women have them', and waits to see if Jon wants to ask anything. But he is now busy with his water wings and has forgotten about it.
After some thought, Laura talks with Jon's mother that evening, explaining that Jon's comment was fine. But if he asks such questions another time, how would his mother like them to be handled?
SHUT YOUR EARS
Some adults justify fobbing off children with half-truths as protecting their 'innocence' - often as not because the adults find a topic hard to handle. But even children whose own lives are relatively calm may hear and see distressing events on the television or overhear adult conversations.
For instance, if Marcie has taken the trouble to ask a tough question like, 'Can children really die?', then she's ready to hear a simple and honest reply. You may answer with, 'Yes, it's possible, but usually people are old or very sick when they die'. It would be sensible to ask Marcie, 'What made you ask me that question?' and perhaps she will explain, 'I heard Mummy talking about the milkman's little boy. He's dead, you know'.
Again, it would be wise to share this conversation with Marcie's mother, so that she realises her daughter can listen to adult exchanges. Faced with a similar situation, it is important to have checked out how the parents want you to deal with questions about death or religious beliefs. Do they believe in an afterlife, like heaven, and is this part of what they say to their children? If you do not share this belief, it is still possible to say, 'Mummy and Daddy are sure that Grandma is in heaven'.
