A positive approach to children's behaviour can never be solely about the children because, of course, young children are not the only people present. Adults are also involved, as:
- Alert observers whose skills of watching and listening, combined with knowing the children as individuals, mean that they are ready to hold back or to intervene in a helpful way;
- Or inattentive grown-ups who do not have enough of an eye and ear on what is going on between children, but who may nevertheless decide they are right about what happened or who started it.
- People who most of the time (nobody is perfect!) show a positive role model to children of listening and helping to resolve disputes without shouting or name-calling;
- Or people who are enthusiastic to list all the behaviour problems posed by the children, but far from keen to recognise that what they do and say as adults sometimes makes a situation worse rather than better.
- Sensitive carers who help a child to find other ways to deal with frustration than thumping their friend and who show that they recognise the strength of children's feelings;
- Or adults who deal only in 'good' and 'bad' behaviour, who label rather than describe and who are unable to reflect on how a child could be helped to learn alternative ways to handle some tough situations.
Nobody's fault
It is useful to consider what makes it difficult, or more possible, for early years practitioners to stand back and reflect on what they are doing. From many conversations over the years I have come to the conclusion that several issues are involved here. All can be tackled within a supportive nursery atmosphere, with managers who show through example that it is excellent practice to reflect, learn and change.
Adults who feel uncertain of their skills, or who are already on the receiving end of a great deal of criticism, sometimes become defensive when it is suggested that a different way of handling a child or group might be better in the long run.
It is understandable that early years teams who feel unsupported will resist feeling that they are 'wrong' about yet another aspect of their practice. However, it is far from an admission of failure to be willing to reflect on, say, how you reacted to the verbal fight between Vicky and Michael. It does not imply that you are wrong or unskilled because you look back and think 'I could have handled that better, what I'll do next time is...'
Behave yourself
The view still persists that respect should come from children to adults, and children should just do as they are told. People who express such attitudes may be worried that showing respect for children and admitting sometimes that you were unwise, will lead to chaos. Children will feel they have control over you, rather than the other way round.
In fact, the situation does not unfold in this way at all. Children are pleased to have adults who take the trouble to work out how to help them behave in positive ways. They appreciate carers who acknowledge positive behaviour in a specific way, rather than simply pronounce that children 'mustn't be nasty to each other' or 'ought to think more about other people's feelings'.
No quick fix
Some adults want there to be clear-cut solutions to how anyone handles a given 'behaviour problem' with a child. The idea of the quick fix removes any responsibility for adults to think about how they relate to individual children, what they say in words and body language and what they do. But all of these subtleties are crucial if the shorthand advice is going to work.
For instance, giving children responsibility can help to shift their behaviour, but adult communication needs to be in full support. Even a non-verbal message of 'I think you'll mess this up' and 'I still don't entirely trust you' will undermine this approach. Another strategy is to focus on positive feedback to children, but this approach will go sour if adults dole out indiscriminate praise, possibly even in the same form of words, whatever a child does.
But I'm the adult!
Some adults feel that learning is for children; adults know everything so they do not have to change that's the children's task. Once you acknowledge that your adult behaviour makes a difference, then there is a responsibility to learn from what has happened and maybe adjust some adult bad habits.
It is easier to focus on what children are doing and decide they should change. If Rosie is labelled 'demanding,' then her carers do not have to reflect on the situation. Perhaps if warm attention were more readily available to this toddler, she would not have to 'demand' it. Clement is called 'lazy' because he sits and waits for his shoes to be put on and his coat done up. Nobody stops to consider that 'laziness' is actually three-year-old Clement's way of coping with his carer's constant 'hurry up, hurry up' and criticism of the buttons Clement has missed and that his shoes are on the wrong feet yet again.
Supporting each other
When we are helpful adults for children, we are willing to look at the possible impact of what we do: to be pleased when we tune into what children need and ready to adjust if we are out of tune.
- Uneasy practitioners need support from more experienced colleagues. Nurseries need a manager who believes that change of practice means team members are ready to learn a very positive outlook not that they were stupid or wrong before.
- Adults need to feel confident themselves and feel that they are worthwhile before they can give generously to children or persevere with a sensible approach that will take time to work.
- It is more possible to deal with children's strong feelings and what those emotions may provoke in you, when you have opportunities within supervision to talk through your interactions with a child.
- Early years practitioners need to believe that being a professional does not mean you have no feelings. Responsible early years professionals are willing to reflect on their feelings, as these will be part of relationships with individual children and emerge through their behaviour.
- You need to use your observation skills in informal ways throughout the day. Sometimes you may make a more organised observation of a child who concerns you, or a group that seems to have difficulty getting along. But during many ordinary days you simply need to watch and listen.
- Staff should be as generous to each other in encouraging and noticing the good moments as they should be to the children. Teams can develop good habits of constructive feedback in which one person may notice the changes that a colleague is almost too close to spot. When you know that colleagues say, 'I liked the way you helped Sara and Lottie to sort out their troubles', then it becomes easier to accept the suggestion when they say, 'I was watching what happens with Dudley and I wonder if...' NW
