tom, aged nine, struggled to explain his persistent stealing to his playworker.'I needed something... so I stole it...'
'What did you need?'
'Dunno... it's not the stuff I nicked... it's like inside...'
As confused as Tom, she recounted the paltry objects he was stealing. The latest haul was typical - a felt-tip pen, a well-chewed eraser and half a ball of sting. What was worrying was not only that Tom was taking such things, but that he was hoarding them in secret piles both at home and in club.
She had been diffident about raising the matter with Tom's grandmother, who had cared for him since his mother died when he was four years old. On one hand, the items seemed too trivial to worry about, but on the other, the very lack of value and the fact that Tom seemed impelled to keep taking them and hoarding them as treasure, was a cause for concern.
As it turned out, his grandmother was grateful that staff spoke to her, as she was equally worried about Tom at home. She said she would discuss the matter with his father. Imagine the playworker's horror when she told them on Monday morning that Tom's father had grounded him for a week and threatened to 'thrash him' if he didn't stop stealing at once. She commented, 'Where is this going to end? What's he going to take next? He's going to be delinquent!'
A WORRYING HABIT
Petty stealing is very common in childhood and it really worries adults. It also really worries the child, who may feel out of control.
When children steal, they are not telling you what they want or need; they are telling you how they feel inside. When children have a worry, they may find it difficult to tell adults in any other way than through behaviour.
Most children steal on one or more occasions, be it a forbidden biscuit or something larger, but continual or persistent stealing may be a desperate communication. Stealing is a child's way of telling us one of two things: * Children steal when they feel they had something emotionally important and have lost it and are trying to get it back * Children steal when they feel they need something emotional they have never had and are trying to steal it.
Children like Tom steal relatively worthless objects, not because they need them, but to tell you that they fear they themselves are relatively worthless. Tom could not understand why his mother had died. Like many children suffering a loss, he blamed himself, worrying 'Did I do something to make her go away? Did she go away because she didn't love me any more?'
By stealing worthless objects, Tom was trying to tell the adults that he himself felt abandoned like an unwanted thing. He had begun stealing about two years after his mother had died, when his father was given a promotion which involved his working away from home during the week. To Tom it felt bewildering that his father would not want to be with him all the time.
Donald Winnicott says that stealing can be understood as 'a sign of hope.'
It can be argued that the greater the value of the things a child steals, the more hope there is for the child in the future! The child who steals is likely to be in a better state of mind, in that they believe they have a right to good things like love and affection, time and admiration. Such a child is fighting for their place in the world. A similar child in the same position who doesn't steal could be understood as feeling too worthless to expect to have any rights from other people.
BUYING POPULARITY
At another club, Martha, aged 11, was stealing more valuable objects. She stole money from other children, from the staff and also from her mother's purse. She would spend the money on quantities of sweets and chocolate bars, which she then tried to share with other children. It was a puzzle to her playworkers how she could be so 'blatant', for within hours of a theft being discovered, Martha would turn up with a generous supply of goodies!
Martha came from a difficult home where stress levels were high and time and affection were at a premium. Her mother had always worked outside the home and Martha had had a series of childcare placements since she was six weeks old. We can think of her as feeling unloved, but deep down inside believing she was lovable.
Martha was stealing to try to buy affection and popularity. As John Bowlby says, a lot of delinquent behaviour comes down to people trying to get close to each other.
Martha's playworker encouraged her mother to try to give Martha some special one-to-one time on a regular basis. She had tried to do this the following weekend by taking Martha to the supermarket and buying her a drink and a chocolate biscuit afterwards.
Martha seemed reluctant to eat the chocolate biscuit and asked if she could take it home. She seemed generally uneasy from that moment on, and her mother was surprised to find later that she had hidden the chocolate biscuit in the bottom of her drawer.
We began to think of Martha as a child in a double bind. She felt that she and her siblings could only have quality time, affection and conversation with their mother at the expense of each other. It was as if she experienced these things as a cake, where if she had a slice, there was less left for everybody else.
We would hope that children grow up feeling that adults will want to give to them spontaneously. But children like Martha may be afraid that anything good they receive is stolen. She couldn't enjoy her special time because she felt like a criminal who had stolen something from her siblings. The risk for such children is that they may grow up finding it hard to enjoy successful relationships as adults, because as soon as they become close to someone, they will feel overwhelmed with guilt that they are stealing the relationship from someone else.
Andrea Clifford-Poston is an educational therapist and author of Tweens: what to expect from - and how to survive - your child's pre-teen years (Oneworld, 8.99)
Managing the child who steals
* It is unproductive to punish a child for stealing. However, you need to make it clear to them that they cannot go on stealing, mainly because stealing simply isn't working for them. Stealing is not getting them what they want or need and, indeed, is only making them feel worse about themselves. Children like Martha and Tom feel even more worthless and unloveable once their stealing is discovered and they are punished. Such children need to be showered with spontaneous affection, kindness and treats. Adults may find this very hard to do, because they feel it is rewarding the act of stealing. But spoiling a child can give them the message 'you are valuable, you are loveable, you are worthy because you are you'. And, of course, it all depends on what one means by spoiling.
Martha's and Tom's playworkers 'spoiled' them by constantly reminding them that the staff enjoyed having them in club. This was done in simple ways, such as saying when playing a game with them, 'I'm enjoying playing this game with you, Tom.'
* Children may find it difficult to distinguish between themselves and their behaviour. So, rather than saying, 'I like you but not your behaviour,' as we are often advised to do, it may be more helpful to say, 'When you are stealing, we worry about you but we like you even when you are being this version of yourself.' This indicates to a child that their behaviour is part of them and that they are still loveable. That said, we need to set firm boundaries on a child's stealing and explain to them that they steal because they feel bad inside, and help them to think of other ways than stealing to feel better.
* We can regard stealing as an ordinary problem of childhood until it becomes compulsive. When a child feels unable not to steal they are locked into a way of behaving. The communication has changed. Such a child is living as though they can only get what they want by stealing; they have lost the sense of listening and responsive adults who can meet their needs, and they need professional help.
