As an early years practitioner you will be alert to young children's language and how they communicate. It can be exciting to listen and watch as young children in your care learn how to communicate and find pleasure in saying what they want to express. As well as supporting that development, you will sometimes guide children about the social 'rules' of communication, such as how they should talk to people directly or be courteous in how they talk about somebody else. But what about how we ourselves use words and how we communicate within children's hearing?
We need to be aware of our own adult habits of communication, whether we are speaking directly to children or talking about them where they can hear. What we say and how we say it really matters, because it gives strong messages to children about how we feel about them. These messages can be friendly or unfriendly, respectful or discourteous. They can set either a good or a poor example to the children about how they themselves can communicate.
Adult attitudes
There is food for thought in listening to how children are described in general terms. We should consider how we talk about them, as well as with them. If our aim is to help children develop habits of courtesy and respect, then we should talk about them with courtesy and respect too.
My own hobbyhorse is my objection to the habit in early years professions of calling young children 'pre-schoolers'. This rather odd term defines an exciting time of development solely in terms of the fact that these are the years before starting school. It gives the impression that the more important events will only happen when young children lose the 'pre' and are actually in school. But we do not call teenagers 'pre-workers', so what is the problem in calling nought to five-year-olds the 'young children' they actually are?
You will also hear bad adult habits of referring to children in a patronising way. Radio phone-ins and newspaper features refer rather sarcastically to children as 'little darlings' and 'little treasures'. The tone of the whole communication is discourteous and not affectionate at all. And have you ever heard the 'little Johnny' method of referring to a child sound respectful? The phrase implies a dismissive attitude towards children, and often their parents as well.
Setting an example
As a nanny you are in a strong position to demonstrate how real courtesy works and show children that they are owed considerate communication just as much as adults are. You can set a good example by what you do, as well as by the way you handle situations when another adult is being impolite.
It is discourteous to talk about children as if they are not actually present. Avoid the bad habit of talking about a child over the top of her head.
You can make a child a proper part of a conversation by maintaining eye contact, using her name and inviting her to join in.
You can use your adult skills of communication to bring in children who are being excluded by another adult. Perhaps you are asked, 'Does she want milk or juice?' or 'Shouldn't he go to the toilet before we leave?' - as if the child is invisible. You can move the question across to the child by saying, 'Let's ask Sara herself. You can have milk or juice, Sara. What would you rather have?' Very young children will need you to speak the words for them. But they can still express a preference in many simple everyday events - simply by looking, pointing or touching.
In the third person
It is a particularly bad adult habit to talk about children and their behaviour within a child's hearing and not involve them in an age-appropriate way. We would resent it if our own actions were raked over in our hearing, but in a way that excluded us as individuals. Yet some adults don't feel it is rude to do exactly the same to children.
You should avoid talking about children's behaviour with other people yet in children's hearing. A positive approach to behaviour means that you offer encouragement and deal with any difficulties directly with the child concerned.
Children are probably hurt most by criticism in public, in remarks such as 'She's so demanding - never stops!' or 'You'd think May would be toilet trained by now, wouldn't you?' But they can also be embarrassed by apparent compliments such as, 'Look at Jamie, he's such a nice little boy, never any trouble'. Jamie may not feel that such glowing labels are at all welcome. The implied comparison may also get Jamie teased by other children who overhear.
It is a matter of courtesy to check with children before you tell anecdotes about them in public, even if the stories seem endearing. You can always ask, 'Is it all right if I tell the story about how you fell in the puddle?' Be alert to a child's words or facial expressions that show they are unhappy about this story or do not want to be laughed at. You could say sympathetically, 'It wasn't funny for you, was it? We weren't the ones who got all wet.'
Over their heads
As an adult you hear some communications that are not directly addressed to you. Children often listen to conversations going on around them, even if their attention appears to be fully absorbed elsewhere.
The best rule to follow is that adults do not talk about topics within children's hearing unless it is all right for the child to hear, and possibly repeat what is said later. It is an adult responsibility to ensure the topics of conversation are appropriate - it is not a child's responsibility somehow to shut down their hearing apparatus.
Speaking in whispers or spelling words out rarely solves the problem. Children can have sharp hearing and may make an announcement later such as, 'Jemma's mum drinks like a fish' or 'What does s-e-x mean?' You may be properly alert to sensitive topics and have to put a halt to what another adult is saying, with a comment like, 'I don't think now is the time to discuss this'.
It is a bad habit to act as if children are invisible or always to bypass a child and ask adults to speak on their behalf. But people who overlook children in this way usually say they don't mean to be rude and that 'children don't notice anyway'. It is true that sometimes, some children may not be aware of what has happened. However, just observe things the next time a group of adults start swapping stories about their own childhoods - there is usually a treasure trove of anecdotes to show that young children definitely do notice, some of the time. The worst perpetrators are remembered years later!
