Playworkers and parents both want children to enjoy club as much as possible. In this sense, they are always working together, so it is interesting that talking to each other is potentially fraught with difficulty.
When children, parents and staff come to club, they bring much more than the obvious. All three come with conscious, that is, thought about, expectations. They also bring unconscious, that is, not thought about, expectations. And it is these unconscious expectations that can muddle conversations. Let us think about eight-year-old Stephanie at her after-school club.
At 'snack time' one evening, Stephanie got into a scuffle and received a small scratch on her face. Her playworker, Margaret, was quick on the scene. She assessed the situation as a 'six-of-one and half-a-dozen of the other' kind. As the scratch was slight and superficial, she took no further action. Stephanie continued to attend club happily. However, a couple of weeks later, the club leader heard that Stephanie's father had complained to the education office that his daughter had been 'clawed' in the snack queue and he 'wanted something done'.
Margaret was angry and indignant. She felt she had managed the situation appropriately and the criticism of her was unfair. She had always experienced Stephanie as a slightly sly child, who was inevitably somewhere in the middle of any explosion, and Margaret now told the club leader that she didn't want to work with Stephanie any more. The club leader was annoyed that Stephanie's father had not discussed the incident with her or Margaret, but had 'gone over her head'. She intended to support Margaret, who was young and inexperienced, but good at her job.
What playworkers bring to club
Anyone would have been irritated at the way this father had behaved.
However, playworkers bring to club:
* Skills, training, an interest in children and the desire to do the job well.
* They also bring their own childhood experiences.
How you approach parents is coloured by how your parents behaved towards you. When parents and playworkers talk, at one level two adults are talking. At another, playworkers are going to experience parents as they experienced their own parents. So if, as a child, Margaret's parents had helped and encouraged her when she got things wrong, she would be likely to approach this father confidently, believing that this situation could be resolved. If, on the other hand, her parents had viewed 'getting it wrong'
as failure, then Margaret may well approach the father feeling defensive and, possibly, aggressive.
You also bring to club your expectations about how you will do your job. If you expect you have to do your job perfectly, rather than 'well enough', then talking to parents may place you in a double bind. Margaret could feel that if she had been doing her job perfectly the scuffle would not have happened in the first place. She is then faced with having to explain to Stephanie's father that she believes she handled the situation appropriately, while at the same time, believing it was her fault.
What parents bring to club
* The expectation that their child will be cared for by appropriately trained adults.
* The expectation that their child will be happy at club.
* Their own view of themselves as a parent - do they believe they are the expert on their child or do they believe you are the expert on their child? Or do they believe there is an expertise that can be shared between the two of you?
* Their own childhood experiences of authority figures.
The club leader asked Stephanie's father to meet her. He was initially belligerent, insisting, 'I was bullied as a kid and no one is going to bully my kid.'
Parents bring to club their own childhood experiences. Parents will always crusade at the club gates against what they found most difficult as a child. Stephanie's father was determined she was not going to be bullied as he had been.
As the conversation continued, Stephanie's father refused to believe his daughter's part in the scuffle. He denied she might have been aggressive in this incident, insisting, 'I know my daughter best.' He distrusted the playworker's view of his daughter. He learned by the way his teachers had treated him that professionals can misconstrue children. His teachers had ignored his complaints and so he grew up feeling authority figures didn't listen. He was so sensitive to the risk of Stephanie being bullied that he presumed it, even when it wasn't happening. He felt the playworkers wouldn't listen as his teachers hadn't listened and so he had 'gone to the top'. He kept demanding, 'I want something done ...'
Accept how parents feel
'What would you like done?' asked the club leader quietly. The situation was diffused as the father suddenly fell silent. Parents may be overwhelmed by a desire to protect their child, so overwhelmed that they may not have thought about what they want done before complaining. An apology? An expulsion? A playworker sacked? Finding out what will satisfy the parent may have a two-fold result. First, it may make the parent stop and think.
Second, it may form a basis for discussion.
Put simply, complaining parents often want to vent feelings. The risk is that you may respond logically with the facts of the situation. The parent may then feel unheard. Saying something like, 'I can understand you are very angry, and what would you like done?' may help the parent to feel heard and so to think further.
It is interesting how 'and' is so much more constructive than 'but'. The risk of saying '... but what do you want done?' is that the parent will only hear the 'but' and think you are disagreeing with them. 'And' seems to bring people closer together, 'but' seems to create distance between people.
Helping parents to hear
Playworkers are often in the delicate position of having to talk to parents about a child's worrying or disruptive behaviour. Stephanie had been as much the aggressor as the victim in this incident, but how could the club leader help her father to think about his daughter's behaviour? If you criticise a child to its parents, you run the risk the parent will feel you are criticising their parenting. Any parent will want to defend their offspring, and themselves, against criticism. A conversation of persuasion is likely to ensue, with the parent trying to persuade you to their viewpoint - and conversely, you trying to persuade the parent to yours.
You are likely to get much further with a parent by saying something like, 'We are a bit worried about Tom at club ... how has he been at home lately?' than 'Tom is being aggressive in club'.
If you want to get parents on your side, then you will have to allow them to disagree with you. Saying something like, 'Well, we don't have to agree about this ... and we are very concerned about Tom at club. Maybe he is different at home. Do you know if he has any worries at club?' may help to keep the conversation going and the parent to feel you are on their side.
When parents feel guilty
Some parents may bring a further 'not thought about' expectation to club - the expectation that good parents don't send their children to clubs. Some children attend club by choice, seeing it as a fun step to independence.
Others have to attend because parents are working. The children's view of club will be coloured by the reason they attend. And so will their parents.
Some parents may feel very guilty, and therefore sensitive to comments made by playworkers. It is easy to increase a sense of failure in such a parent, particularly if their child has developed problems at club.
The best way to get parents on your side is to make them feel that you are on their side. It is important to start the conversation with where the parents are, be it belligerent or co-operative. Sometimes you may have to be a 'double agent', sympathising with both the parents and the child's viewpoint.
Talking to parents needs skill, sensitivity, warmth and a dose of charm. It is not a competition over who knows best for a child, but rather an attempt to return to your original position of both working together to ensure that a child enjoys their time at club.
Key points
* Start where the parents are
* Accept how the parents feel
* Allow parents to disagree with you
* Avoid criticism
* Avoid conversations of persuasion
* Try to use 'and' instead of 'but'
* Make parents feel you are on their side.
Andrea Clifford-Poston is an educational therapist and author of The Secrets of Successful Parenting (How To Books, 9.99).
