The sight of a young child refusing to let go of a toy that is wanted by another, then bursting into angry tears - or worse, hitting the other child when entreated to 'share' - is so common in a nursery setting as to be unremarkable. But it is reflective of a central dilemma in early childhood development, and indeed throughout life. This dilemma has to do with being 'me' - an individual just acquiring a sense of 'who I am', while at the same time learning to be in a group.
We all live in groups most of the time, beginning with the family that we are born into. The tension between 'me' and wanting 'my' interests to prevail, and 'them' whose interests threaten 'my' satisfaction, is manifestly a life-long phenomenon. We all resolve it to a greater or lesser extent: one only has to observe the tensions among staff groups in nurseries, or any other workplace, to know just how difficult it is. For very young children it can be really hard!
BEYOND THE FAMILY
The young child moves from the intimacy of the nuclear family to the wider world represented by the nursery. Their development from an utterly dependent infant in arms to a robust pre-schooler is a huge step - and often fraught. What seems to be 'naughty' or unkind behaviour frequently is the external evidence of turmoil inside.
Being in a nursery group both requires and helps to develop in children a range of capacities that are essential for community living, involving compromises between self interest and the interests of the group which would tax the most mature of individuals. In their families most children will have been faced with the pleasures and frustrations of group life and they bring these experiences, good and bad, with them. In their relationship with their mother they will have had the advantage of a much more mature partner, able to pace their relating to the child's more immature ways. Siblings obviously provide some model for peer relationships, but there will be a sort of pecking order where being older or younger is always part of the set up.
A major demand of group life is the requirement to give up some immediate pleasures based on satisfaction just for the self for alternative ones now, or others that might come later. The young toddler, or even older child, may view this with great scepticism or disbelief as their sense of time is only in the process of being established. The egocentricity of young children, which is developmentally normal and to be expected, runs counter to group life. Learning to live alongside peers who also are experiencing similar tensions can be explosive.
For some children, having to co-operate with another child can feel terribly threatening at the most funda- mental level. It can feel that their very sense of self is in danger. To co-operate means capitulation and the outcome might be a temper tantrum or outright refusal to participate. Something in the experience of their development has led to this, and nursery workers need to be sensitive to just how wounding, for example, a requirement to share can feel to such children. This, of course, does not mean that they should just be allowed to 'get away with it'. Staff need to be aware that possessiveness is not necessarily being mean or unkind, but for a particular child might reflect his whole sense of self-esteem. To support a child's wounded sense of self and gradually enable them to experience the benefits of group life is a huge developmental step.
IN NEED OF SUPPORT
What must also not be forgotten is the child who too readily gives way to another, is too co-operative and unable to stand their ground. This child might well be the victim of the other child who is insistent on having their own way, but in some way gives over to the other for this treatment. This sort of child is undoubtedly also experiencing a low sense of self-esteem, and seemingly cannot establish a sense of being a person to be reckoned with. They are just as much in need of support as the other child.
Of course, toddlerhood is also that time in development when children begin to flex their muscles. Issues of who is in control, who is top dog, are likely to be expressed not only in the toddlers' relationship with the adults in charge, but also with their peers. This is the time when children begin to feel their aggression, especially in response to frustration, and as we have seen, group life inevitably involves a degree of having to give way and wait. This might evoke a tirade of rage against another child that neither young person probably has much mental capacity to cope with. Indeed, frustration may well provoke a response that expresses cruelty and the wish to triumph over the other person who has got in their way. In these circumstances the nursery staff might be tempted to be cruel in response, and need to be thoughtful about the feelings that are evoked in themselves in these circumstances.
UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR
What seems like aggression or meanness on the outside is not necessarily what a given piece of behaviour means inside. Young Kevin, two years old, was struggling with his sense of trying to establish himself in a group of similarly aged children. He was often solitary but would also try to make contact and play alongside others. He had great difficulty in managing the to and fro of peer relating and sometimes would hit other children and adults.
On close observation it became clear that not all his hitting was 'pure' aggression. Sometimes he would hit out at another child or adult if they were close by just after he had either hurt himself in some way, or appeared to feel slighted. It seemed that Kevin was expressing in a more active way what he had passively endured. In his hitting out he was trying to master his own sense of vulnerability by making the other person feel it instead. The nursery worker was able to talk to him about his feelings in a more appropriate way when she had understood this dynamic.
Jenny was a child who was extremely possessive and found sharing toys with the other children very difficult. At teatime one day there was going to be a birthday celebration for one of the other children and the table was laid with party food. Suddenly Jenny grabbed the bowl of crisps and ran off into the garden with it. There was consternation among the children and the staff were cross.
Jenny's face was a picture - she was triumphant as she stuffed the crisps into her mouth. It took a huge effort on the part of the staff not to humiliate Jenny in front of the group. It was clear that Jenny just could not bear her powerful feelings of jealousy and deprivation, and gave way to her im-pulse to grab and run and have at least some of the goodies all to herself.
