What is the difference between 'a little terror' and 'a naughty child'? A little terror is likely to inspire affection in adults and be treated leniently, whereas a naughty child is likely to make adults want to punish him, and be distant from him. How we view children's behaviour colours our reaction to it and two playworkers may see the same child completely differently. There are risks to seeing a child as both a little terror and as irredeemably naughty. The little terror may get a kinder response from adults, and he may feel close to them, but he may not learn a more appropriate way of communicating his needs. He may simply learn to rely on being charmingly defiant - very effective for a five-year-old but less so for a 12-year-old. The child seen as naughty faces a bigger muddle. He is likely to feel rejected by adults, just at the time he is needing to feel closest to them.
BEHAVIOUR AS LANGUAGE
One of the skills of working successfully with children is learning to understand their behaviour as a language, as children have very limited ways of letting adults know when they have a problem. When they haven't the words to express themselves, or don't know why they feel worried and unhappy, then they are likely to use behaviour to communicate with adults. In this sense, all behaviour has meaning.
Sometimes it is easy for the adults to understand. If a child is crying and upset, we can see that they are miserable. Other behaviour is more complex - stealing, for example. The child who steals is not telling you what he wants, he is telling you how he feels about himself inside.
So often adults respond to the child's actual behaviour, and not to what it is trying to communicate. This is not surprising, as children often choose behaviour that does not accurately illustrate their worry.
DISRUPTION IS A SOLUTION
A seven-year-old, hurt and angry by the arrival of a new baby in the family, for example, is mistaken if he thinks that he will be comforted if he kicks his playworker in the stomach. He is much more likely to be told off. He is longing for adult affection but he behaves in a dramatic, attention-seeking way that makes the adults angry.
They are then likely to punish him, which leaves him feeling even more anxious and so likely to do something even more attention seeking, and so a vicious circle develops. To the child, disruptive behaviour is a solution - a way of communicating with adults. However, to adults, disruptive behaviour is often simply an annoyance that they want to eliminate.
Whenever you are faced with worrying behaviour from a child, it is always worth asking yourself, 'What might this behaviour be a solution to for the child?' When adults understand why a child is behaving the way he does, they are freed to come up with their own ways of controlling the behaviour in a manner in which the child feels heard and understood - and consequently under less pressure to repeat inappropriate or undesirable actions.
Adults often use the phrase, just 'attention seeking' as though there is something wrong with having needs and needing attention to those needs. No child is 'just attention seeking'. Such a child is trying to get close to adults. He is saying, 'Look at me, I need you'. The more he is ignored, the more he is likely to increase his demands. So why can it be so difficult to respond to the demanding child warmly? As anyone who has held a crying baby knows, babies communicate by projecting feelings, they make the adult feel what they are feeling. Troubled children often do the same, and so the attention seeking, needy child may make the playworker feel as irritable and helpless as they are feeling themselves. No wonder the adult is then left feeling that 'nothing works with that child'.
Thinking of the 'attention seeking' child as 'attachment seeking' may help you to feel closer to him or her. It is always easier to think of a way of helping a child to feel admired and accepted by you than about how to control difficult behaviour.
A BETTER WAY
Picture this scene: a disruptive 10-year-old meets his favourite and only sympathetic playworker in the corridor. As they pass, he thumps her hard on the arm. 'Oh, come on, Tom', she says, 'you want to say you are pleased to see me and you don't know how to do it. You can say it better than that ...' Tom grins sheepishly, pauses, and then awkwardly pats her arm.
The 'attachment seeking child' who is treated as 'just attention seeking'
is likely to become an aggressive child. Aggression is not all bad. We can think of aggressive behaviour as an extreme form of persuasion. Adults do it all the time in heated discussions, raising their voices, banging their fists vehemently. The aggressive child is likely to feel unloved and misunderstood. He may also feel he is in some way 'bad'. Punishing him may prove to him that he is unloved and unlovable. Rewarding him may produce a temporary improvement in his behaviour but may also give him the message that he is only loved under certain conditions. He may feel it is naughty or bad to have the feelings or the worries he may currently be experiencing. Tom was helped to understand why he was behaving in a certain way. He was also shown a better way of getting what he needed.
An eight-year-old, Georgia, was angry that she, at the last minute, had to go to her after-school club. She had been expecting an access visit from her father but he was delayed at work. She was unco-operative and rude with the playworker, who eventually took her to one side and said, 'You're very disappointed not to see daddy and that makes you angry...' The playworker gave the girl the words for what she was feeling which would help her manage her emotions.
WHEN TO WORRY
Disruptive and disturbing behaviour also helps us to understand which children we should be worried about. The disruptive child still has hope that out there is an adult who will eventually hear and take note of his anxieties. Much more worrying is the quiet and withdrawn child who may have given up on such a hope. These children can often be overlooked because they are not disrupting the group or demanding the adults' attention.
Understanding children's behaviour as a communication is no soft option in child management. Children need clear, firm boundaries throughout their childhood. If we show children that we understand how they feel, and that we can help them to find a better way of communicating how they feel, then they learn not only how to get their needs met, but also how to respect other people.
If you ask yourself, 'How does this child make me feel?' it will give you some understanding of how the child might be feeling, regardless of how he is behaving. Once you recognise how he feels, it will help you respond to his behaviour.
Andrea Clifford-Poston is a child, family and educational therapist with 30 years experience. She was formerly teacher-in-charge at the Child Development Centre at Charing Cross Hospital. She is also author of The Secrets of Successful Parenting published by How to Books (10.99).
