Q How can we stop a three-year-old in our nursery from picking his nose?
Q A two-year-old often puts her hands down her knickers, apparently to comfort herself when she is sleepy or upset. We have been ignoring this behaviour, but should we be actively discouraging it?
A Coming to nursery is often a child's first experience of being away from home and is the place where they can begin to learn the skills that will help them to 'fit in' and succeed in an ever-widening range of challenges and situations. Alongside the educational curriculum that you offer them, you also have the task of helping children to learn the kinds of behaviours that will make them popular and well-adjusted. In other words, you are helping to socialise them.
Socialisation is the process by which children learn about the way that things are done in their family, community and school. It involves getting to know the rules and expectations that other people share and becoming part of the group by 'doing as they do'. This means that the child becomes more and more able to function successfully in social groups because they are behaving in ways that are in harmony with the people around them.
The two main ways in which children do this are by copying adults and their peers and by responding to the approval or disapproval that they receive from people who are important to them.
A great deal of socialisation is to do with training. When we train children, we are showing them how to do things in the ways that our culture expects. For example, in our culture we train children to use a knife, fork and spoon when they are eating. But in China where the eating culture is different, children are socialised to eat with chopsticks.
Copying the people around them also socialises them. If their parents are physically demonstrative and cuddly, their children will learn to be touchy-feely too and they will have been socialised into a way of behaving that the whole family shares.
The third way of becoming socialised into a particular culture is the child's recognition that some behaviours receive approval which they like, and other behaviours receive disapproval and are, therefore, not something that make you feel secure and happy.
So we train our children into good habits like cleaning their teeth and saying 'please' and 'thank you'. We reinforce this training by practising what we preach. We show approval when our children show that they know about our expectations and show disapproval when they forget the social behaviours that we have taught them. We try to instil good habits in our children, because good habits help them to fit in and get on and bad habits hold them back.
Praise it
The children in the two questions above have developed habits that are holding them back. They are not terribly bad habits, but they are not socially acceptable and, therefore, put the two children in danger of being disliked. We all know people whom we would like and are friendly with, but who have a tiny little habit that drives us crazy. It might be hair twiddling or sniffing or picking their nose in public, but these tiny habits are enough to put us off and make us avoid contact with someone whom we might like very much if they would just stop doing whatever it is that they do that annoys and unsettles us.
First, we need to gently show lots of approval for the 'opposite' behaviour whenever we see it happening with other children while 'Charlie' is around.
'Oh well done Joe, you are looking at me beautifully when I am talking to you. I can see all your face because your hands are at your side.' Another time you could say, 'Oh dear, I've got a bit of a cold today. I must remember to use a tissue and not put my finger near my nose.' Later, again, 'Oooh, well done Charlie, today you are blowing your nose properly and then putting your hands away from your nose. What lovely manners you have.'
Nagging doesn't help, but specific praise is always really effective. It may even help to give him something to hold, such as a small cuddly toy that he can stroke every time he looks as though he has the urge to pick his nose.
On reflection
A habit is a behaviour that you practise without really reflecting about what you are doing. When you perform a habit regularly, you get so used to doing it and it feels so easy and comfortable that you do it automatically, without thought. You are barely aware that you are doing it. This is a good thing when you hear the words 'Dinner's ready' and immediately go to the bathroom to wash your hands. But is not so good for the little girl who has got into the habit of touching herself. Her habit is complicated by the fact that she reverts to it when she is anxious and feels the need to soothe herself.
Many young children stroke a bit of material or a 'security blanket', but this child soothes herself by stroking a part of her body. This habit clearly works for her and she may well be resistant to change. The danger is that if you don't offer to help her to find an alterative, one of her peers will eventually say something that will shock her into giving it up before she has developed a satisfactory alternative.
If other children laugh at her - and one day they will - she is in danger of discovering that her chosen source of comfort has become a source of embarrassing stress. So, you need to help her find a substitute de-stressor. You need to be watchful so that you are alert to the situations that trigger her behaviour, and redirect her into finding a more socially acceptable way of calming herself down. Be very gentle but, also, be very persistent. Try different things until she finds something she likes.
Maybe she could bring something that reminds her of home - a small cuddly toy, for instance. For now, it probably needs to be something she can stroke. Perhaps you can let her be the keeper of the 'talking teddy' which is used in circle time because teddy likes to make people feel happy and calm. If she is touching herself, offer her the little teddy and say something such as, 'You look a bit worried, Little Ted says to stroke him and you might feel happier.'
This will help her to make the transition towards more internalised methods of self-calming.
Calming down
Most children grow out of the need for a security blanket or a teddy bear as they learn internal ways of calming down like taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or just sitting still for a few quiet golden moments.
These are the techniques that we, as independent adults, use. Why not introduce them into your setting? Have a quiet moment every day when everyone sits very still and breathes slowly under your direction. Maybe they can listen to some sounds of the sea on tape, or all rub mint leaves and smell them.
Self-calming techniques help children to face the hurly-burly of growing up. You will be giving the children in your care an invaluable gift if you teach them the rudiments of these 'grown-up' methods while they are still at nursery. NW
Jenny Mosley is the founder and director of Quality Circle Time. Ross Grogan is a children's author and member of Jenny Mosley Consultancies'
research and writing team
Further information
* Jenny Mosley Consultancies tel: 01225 767157, e-mail, ginnys@ jennymosley.co.uk or go to www.circle-time.co.uk
If you have a child behaviour query that you would like answered, write to Nursery World, 66-68 East Smithfield, London E1W 1BX, fax 020 7782 3131 or e-mail: annette.rawstrone@nurseryworld.co.uk. All letters will be treated in the strictest confidence but only published questions will be answered.
