Like any other adults in charge of children, nannies need to find a role in guiding children's behaviour and dealing with the inevitable conflicts that will arise at times, even with the most even-tempered of children. You need to find an adult role that is comfortable for you and which reflects the fact that you are the grown-up here. The most positive approach is to create a 'firm but fair' role, sometimes called authoritative.
As a nanny, you need to find the middle ground. You do not want to be so firm that the children find you fierce and uncompromising, and an unpleasant person to have around the home. A few ground rules are sensible in a family home, but a long and growing list of restrictions feels oppressive. On the other hand, you want to avoid setting a pattern in which you are so flexible the children do not really know where they stand. Some children will then push out any limits: who knows what you will actually tolerate unless they try?
Although most children will test you out, they prefer adults who are clear and consistent, who do not dither and who can take charge when necessary.
But children also want to feel respected and have adults listen to their point of view on why a particular choice is so important to them or why something is 'not fair!'
When to stand firm
You need to act as an authoritative grown up in examples such as the following:
* Andy is blatantly flouting a family ground rule and going into his Mum's study, to use her carefully drafted report for drawing paper.
* You have said a fair 'No' to eating crisps before lunch or to watching yet another video, and Vicky is whining about it.
* You have given Harry fair warning to stay within the limits of the playground, and he is about to do another escape bid.
* Marcie and her friend who has come to tea are in a very excitable state and are now flicking food at each other.
There are different ways to stand firm. You can be decisive without being unpleasant or creating a battleground in which you yourself behave in ways for which you would reprimand a child, like shouting, losing your temper or being rude to children.
* Use firm words, backed up with decisive body language that communicate 'No' or 'I said one video and no more'.
* Repeat your words calmly if necessary, perhaps reminding children of a family ground rule such as 'Nobody throws food in this house'.
* If necessary, you may need physically to keep children safe who are beyond controlling themselves. You may hold or carry them away from a situation as necessary. If so, watch out for your back - a common occupational hazard for people who work with children.
* You can use the consequences of children's behaviour by giving them a warning and then following it with a logical removal, 'time out' and leaving the playground with escapologist Harry.
* Avoid making empty promises or threats. When you say, 'If you throw water one more time, then that's the end of your washing up today,' you must follow it through.
If feasible, do let children make reparations or say 'sorry'. But there is little point in insisting on apologies or swift cleaning up, because that tends to create another, and totally unnecessary, battle. Give children time and a range of options of how to show they are sorry.
When to Let it go
You will not always catch yourself in time, but try to be aware of what may lead you to go into battle with a child over what are actually insignificant matters. Take a deep breath and consider backing down in situations such as the following:
* You sense that the battle itself is important for you, rather than that the issue that started it is an important one. Perhaps you took a lot of trouble over making lunch, so you feel hurt and annoyed that the children have left most of it.
* You realise that you are very aware of the 'audience' - perhaps other nannies, family members or even complete strangers in the supermarket - who look disapproving.
* Some children by their temperament undoubtedly love a good power struggle. A useful clue for you is if you find you have thoughts in your head such as, 'He is not going to get away with it!' or 'How dare she cheek me like that!'
Stand your ground for issues that matter, but not because no four-year-old is going to get the better of you! A long cool look can indicate, with or without the words, 'Yes I heard what you said and I'm not rising to it.'
You might also find ways to convey the message, 'I can see what you are doing. I'm hoping you'll have the sense to stop yourself.'
Ways to compromise
Selective ignoring, compromise and negotiation are strong options when you offer them. You only look weak and easy to push if there is a sense of 'Oh, all right then' after a barrage of nagging or disruptive actions from the children.
You want children to learn skills of negotiation and problem solving, and you can set them an example. They will be far less able to learn from you if you always insist on winning.
You may need to pick up the pieces of a conflict between two children. But it will help them if your focus is less on telling them off and more on 'what happened here?' or 'what's going on between the two of you?' You can acknowledge their feelings by saying, 'I realise you are very cross about...' or 'Yes, I know you really wanted...'. See how the children can perhaps find a compromise in a disagreement and then you can express how pleased with them you are.
Respond graciously if a child shows a willingness for a bit of give-and-take, either with you or in a dispute with her brother. But be honest, don't imply there are particular choices where they do not exist.
As hard as you try, you will sometimes find yourself fighting a battle that was not one to fight, or be well along the way before you realise it. As a considerate adult you can put things back on the road to harmony.
* If it is appropriate, say, 'I'm sorry, I didn't listen properly. It was wrong of me to get so cross.'
* Watch out for bad habits like the automatic 'No'. You can backtrack a bit by saying, 'Let's start again. I wasn't thinking properly', or 'I didn't realise how much this matters to you.' But children will get fed up if you continue to answer without really considering what they want.
* Behave in line with what you would expect in courtesy from children or adults. For example, apologise if you realise that you have embarrassed a child by the way you stood firm in front of her friends.
With a very strong-minded child, look for other, more positive ways they can use their skills or channel their energies. But also watch out for children in your care who cave in swiftly, who regularly say 'oh, all right' or 'I don't mind' to you or to another child. They may need some help with boosting their confidence and assertiveness.
See also the earlier features in The Professional Nanny: Golden Rules October 2000 and Power plays May 2001.
CASE STUDY
* Sally has realised that she created an awkward situation through her behaviour on a recent visit with Jessie and Ben to their grandparents'
house. The family has clear rules about eating sweets and crisps at home and Sally thought that she needed to enforce these rules when she accompanied the children to start their weekend with their grandparents.
Looking back, Sally realised that she was more concerned about looking professional in front of the grandparents than in being sensitive to the fact that different ground rules are, in fact, allowed to operate on these weekends. Jessie and Ben had started to say, 'But we're allowed to!' and Sally had firmly disagreed. The children looked unhappy, their grandparents looked uneasy and Sally felt terrible.
Sally was ready to raise the subject on Monday morning with Jessie and Ben's parents. But the children had already spoken to them and their father wanted to clear up any uncertainty with Sally. He agreed that they should have chatted with Sally before they asked her to take the children over to their grandparents'.
This admission made it easier for Sally to admit that she had been keen to show herself in a good light. Sally feels it is appropriate to apologise to the children for being over-firm on this occasion.
