Q We are having to deal with a very difficult parent. Her child is wonderful but she is rude and aggressive. She is always late at pick-up time and regularly shouts at staff or seizes on trivial things to cause a fuss. Her behaviour is worse with junior staff but the whole nursery team are scared of her. Now her second child is nearing the top of the waiting list and we are wondering whether we can face dealing with this woman for a few more years. We have talked to her about her behaviour and even asked why she sends her child to our nursery if we are so 'awful'. She says she wants a childminder but her partner wants nursery provision for their children. What should we do?
A First, let's look at the big picture. Here we have one stressed-out mother, juggling work with two young children, using childcare of her partner's choosing and never able to get there on time. Next, invite both parents to a meeting, through which you should try to begin to understand the underlying problems inherent in the mother's behaviour. Keep in mind the fact that their child is wonderful, so they must be getting things right at home!
Follow up on the 'trivial' complaints (they may not be so trivial) and report back to the parents on action taken to right any wrongs.
Check that they had a nursery introductory pack, which included policies on lateness, complaints procedures and notice periods.
If after several meetings, the mother's behaviour remains unacceptable, highlight the manager's role in protecting the staff. Every nursery member is a valued human being, and as such should not be subjected to bad behaviour. You will by then be within your rights to ask the parents to withdraw their child from nursery.
Write up events as a case study to use in training sessions, and let staff explore the entire scenario and gain understanding from it.
Rosie Pressland, principal of Pocklington Montessori School, York, and managing director of internet training provider iceye A This mother appears to be exploiting the staff and nursery with no regard to the effect on anyone else. Your starting point is that this behaviour is unacceptable regardless of its origins.
When addressing the problem, follow your nursery policies and procedures rigidly - parents should have signed up to these on entry - and record everything that occurs.
Encourage staff to report any incident as soon as it occurs. Respond immediately - it's harder to tackle situations after the event - and assertively, by taking the woman aside with a witness (another staff member) and try to gain her understanding. Refer to nursery policies and procedures and point out how you are trying, in partnership with parents, to model respectful behaviour with the children and that her behaviour is damaging this process.
If she continues to be aggressive, arrange a meeting with the woman, her partner and an independent witness. Check your records to see if he has parental responsibility. The woman may not wish her partner to be involved and this may be her right.
At the meeting, discuss things openly and honestly. Be positive and tell them how much the child enjoys nursery. Let them explain what they would like from the nursery that they feel is lacking. Come to a joint agreement and meet again in a month to review it. If there is still no co-operation, consider whether the second child may attend.
Organise assertiveness training for staff if necessary.
Maureen Smith, childcare consultant, London
