When Alfred Hitchcock shot the 'Psycho' scene with Janet Leigh in the shower, little did he know the empathy that would be felt for that woman by nursery owners and managers. Often when we're feeling at our most vulnerable, our Norman Bates comes in the guise of inspectors.
The number of inspectors a nursery can expect each year reads like the list of technicians in 'The Lord of the Rings' - fire department, health and safety, environmental health, local authority, Ofsted/HMI, Care Commission, to mention a few.
For horror and terror ratings, at number three we have the visit from our local authorities; at number two we have our registration visits from the Care Commission or Ofsted; and at number one, our Ofsted/HMIE inspections.
Survival tactics
Like Hollywood critics, we can immediately rank the success of an inspector's visit as to whether it's a blockbuster or assigned to head straight to the supermarket shelves. To survive the inspection it is important to think of yourself as Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts or Holly Hunter in a commanding role. Wearing your best suit and hairstyle on the day will help you to shine.
Preparation, like learning lines, is all-important. But despite the best intentions or maintaining a consistent year-round performance, some things can slip as other priorities take over.
Each inspection, like each leading role, demands different things, and some will overlap. Some inspections, like James Bond movies, are straightforward and predictable - you just know an environmental health officer is not the least bit interested in curriculum activities but will be spellbound with your fridge thermometer readings and recordings. A fire officer will be mesmerised by your attention to fire drills.
It's the Matrix-type inspections that can be difficult to follow or understand. If you're in the least bit diverse in your approach to the curriculum and your inspector has not done her homework, or if you're subjected to an electronic space calculator and you're found to have more children than you should have, then you will wish you were in an alternative universe. Unlike films, however, we cannot rewind, so getting it right on the night is vital, regardless of the script.
Your team is your cast. Prepare with them well in advance of the pending inspection. List the priorities and discuss likely issues. Get direction and guidance from the producers of the inspection to highlight specific areas of interest.
As you hope for a happy ending, you will want to believe that all inspectors are there to make our services better. Indeed, many are. Key to the outcome is your preparation and the relationship between the key protagonists - you and the inspector.
Mairi Maciver Clark is managing director of Mulberry Bush Kindergarten in Killearn, Glasgow, and director of the Scottish Independent Nurseries Association
