Children interact with their peers in different ways at different ages. Penny Tassoni looks at the formula for early friendships
'Who did you play with today?' is a question often asked of young children as they are picked up at the end of a session. Having friends is, after all, important to nearly all of us. Relationships with friends are different to those we have with our families. Friends entertain us and provide us with moral support and sometimes even criticism. The role of friendships is reflected in language through affectionate words such as 'pal', 'chum and 'mate'. For children, having someone to play with becomes increasingly important as they become older, and so it is useful to understand how children gradually learn to make and keep friends.
First steps
As with many areas of children's development, the ability to make and keep friends is a gradual one. Babies show an interest in each other from around six months. By ten months they are likely to try to touch each other, although given a choice between playing with another baby or playing with a new toy, there is no contest. The new toy will be the winner! The growing interest in others continues with toddlers happily playing alongside other toddlers and making occasional eye contact.
By around 18 months, we can see the early signs of children actually playing with each other as they begin to imitate each other's play and even chase each other from time to time. While the play may be sporadic and is not organised or particularly co-operative, it still represents a major step forward, as it shows us that toddlers are not always playing in a vacuum. Indeed, many staff who work with toddlers in daycare settings notice embryonic friendships developing, with some toddlers showing a preference for certain others.
Seeking friends
The quality of play and friendships changes again at around three years. Children of this age often actively seek out others to play with them. At this age, friendship is particularly linked to the type of activity that a child prefers. This is usually seen as 'bands' of children who group around the tricycles or make a bee-line for the shoes in the dressing-up box. This link between what children enjoy doing and friendships continues into middle childhood. One key difference is that by around the age of six years old, most children actively want to have a friendship. Not having any playmates becomes a source of anxiety and even depression.
Skills needed
There are many skills that children need to develop in order to make and keep friendships. By understanding some of the skills required, adults can identify possible reasons why some children may not be 'breaking through' to friendships. First, children need to be able to interpret and respond to other's reactions. This skill is linked to children's emotional and cognitive development. Most children are able to read other's faces quite early on, even though they may not be able to understand the reasons behind the expressions. A three- year-old, for example, may comfort another child who is crying, and will talk in simplistic terms about being happy or sad. As children become older they are able to empathise more, and so become more skilled at not only recognising other's feelings but also adjusting their behaviour and play.
Communication also plays an increasing role in the development of friendships. Many play activities among Foundation Stage children, for example, revolve around imaginative play with children taking on pre-arranged roles and parts. Being able to negotiate, as well as being assertive, are skills that most children will need in order to be able to join in.
Ways of helping
There are many ways in which we can help children to develop friendships. A good starting point is to make sure that children are happy and secure in themselves. Unhappy children rarely make good playmates, because they tend to be aggressive and lacking in social skills. Helping those children by boosting their confidence and even playing with them so that they gradually pick up social skills from us can be useful.
It is also worth providing children with feedback about how they are playing with us or other children - for example, 'I saw that you waited for Sue to have her turn. That was good, because she enjoyed her turn more'. This is often a more effective approach than just praising children, as this way they are learning about what they are doing well. We can also help children 'chum up' with other children by noting down their particular interests. Introducing an activity to a pair of children who share common play interests may result in both children learning to play together.
Finally, it is worth remembering that in a large group of people with different interests, not everyone will be friends. Older children can sometimes come under pressure from adults to be 'friends', when really, we should be encouraging children to learn the skills of tolerance. Not everyone can be a bosom pal, but in an ideal world we should be teaching children to live peaceably next to each other.
