Lying: What a fib!

What do you do when a child's imagination or insecurity has them telling tales? Frances Hancock offers advice

Most children love to pretend - a chair becomes a train, giants live in the sandcastle and dressing- up clothes transform their world. Imaginings can become very real and, as a result, it is often difficult to tell whether a child is telling the truth or not.

Take the case of Michael. Aged three-and-a-half, he makes little distinction between fact and fiction. His love of storybooks appears to have fuelled his imagination, leaving him with no apparent idea of what is real and what is fantasy.

Michael's tales about playschool have sometimes left his mother unsure what to believe. On one occasion, she arrived with jam tarts for a party, only to discover that there was no party. On another, she asked playschool staff what time the policeman would be coming to talk to the children, only to find the policeman existed only in Michael's imagination.

Michael is typical of many children of this age. He enjoys telling tall tales; he cannot always differentiate between fact and fantasy, and he cannot yet fully understand adult responses to his untruths.

Children struggle from babyhood to make sense of the world around them, with their understanding of that world always trying to keep pace with their experience. In the same way, Michael's ability to understand the difference between a truth and untruth, right and wrong ,will develop slowly as he matures.

From babyhood, he has been picking up ways of behaving ethically from the approval and disapproval of adults. By the time he is six, he will know the rules of a game. He will quite likely cheat if he does not win, but equally be quick to complain if others cheat. That too will change over the next year or two.

To help children distinguish between what is true and untrue, adults need to respond positively. Praising a child when he tells the truth will encourage him to do so on future occasions. He needs to learn that such behaviour brings adult approval.

Children can sometimes be encouraged to make moral judgements at story time by being asked questions. Where a character says something in a story that is obviously untrue, they can be asked what really happened - was it true or untrue?

Equally, adults need to appreciate that a child is struggling with difficult concepts and recognise that 'lying' can be a normal phase of development.

Take the example of Michael's imaginary friend, Pook. He 'arrived' when Michael was two years old. Whenever there was an accident, Pook took the blame. At first, his parents were amused, but as it continued, they felt that it amounted to telling lies. Fortunately, they were advised that he would grow out of this 'silly game' when he attended playschool, which is what happened.

Fear of punishment is the most common reason for hiding the truth. Even at six years, to ask a child directly if he broke the vase could be inviting a denial. It might have been easier to say 'Was it very heavy?', and hope for an answer that gives the game away.

Boasting can lead children to make extravagant claims. Michael boasts about his own prowess - 'I can run the fastest', 'I can build a bigger rocket than you'. Such claims do not mean that he will grow up conceited, nor are they a sign that anything is wrong. It is a normal stage in growing up and will gradually disappear.

Excessive boasting can be a sign of insecurity, when a child tries to hold his own among abler children by trying to convince them of his capabilities. The child may resort to such phrases as, 'I don't want to play that, it's babyish.' What he really means is that he knows he can't do it. In such cases, he may need to prove himself in other areas that are within his capabilities.

Michael's friend Jane was an example of this type of behaviour, often boasting, especially when something was too difficult. Instead of condemning her untruths, she was encouraged to develop her artistic talent and her paintings were praised. By taking this approach, failure became success and gradually she felt more secure.

Michael's imagination needs to be encouraged, while at the same time, it is vital to teach him that his imaginings are 'pretend' and his truthful tales are 'real'. There is no policeman coming to playschool today.