When a staff member at Sheringham Nursery School in Newham, London met informally with a number of parents to discuss their thoughts about play, she uncovered some interesting attitudes.
Special educational needs co-ordinator (SENCo) Tania Choudhury works closely with parents and carers, encouraging their engagement with their children’s learning. She was born and raised in East London, her parents having migrated from Bangladesh in the early 1980s.
Tania’s discussions focused on the Bengali community in one small area of the London Borough of Newham. None of the participants represent the Bengali community per se, but all speak as individuals of Bangladeshi descent.
Of course, any discussion of cultural attitudes has to start with the premise that a culture is not a homogeneous group. There will always be differences and disparities among individuals and groups.
The initial group Tania met with was relatively new to the UK (first generation) and spoke limited English. She facilitated an open discussion, trying to avoid leading questions.
GENDER DIVIDE
Tania realised early on that, ‘Most parents opted to talk about the gender differences, and the sorts of play they encourage in their sons compared to their daughters.’ This was integral throughout the conversation. A common thread was they were happy to support their daughters playing in the kitchen; they did not, however, encourage this with their sons.
Tania pointed out an irony, ‘Funnily enough, the Bangladeshi community has such a rich history of restaurants where men are the chefs, so it is contradictory that little boys are kept away from pots and pans and the kitchen!’
Something similar happened with dressing up and role play. The mothers were happy for their girls to dress up in their clothes and sarees, whereas the boys were encouraged to play with action figures and engage in rough play to ‘make them a man’. One parent remarked, ‘Naturally, my daughter is creatively inclined, and my son is more mathematical and wants to be an engineer. This is just the way it is between boys and girls.’
Tania said, ‘Generally, the mothers and fathers did not want their boys to display what I can only translate as “effeminate” behaviours.’
Another aspect of this gender division was that when boys did not follow rules, it was seen by their parents as natural: a ‘boys will be boys’ attitude. In contrast, when girls did not follow rules, it was responded to more seriously because of the worry that they would go astray. The parents explained, ‘We have to protect our daughters’; and, ‘We want them to do well and get jobs, but we have to think about our honour as well.’
RULE FOLLOWING
Tania then met with a second group of parents who had gone to school in the UK and spoke English as their first language at home (second generation). With this group, she found that though gender roles remained a thread in the discussion, they were not considered so strongly.
‘The parents were happy for both their sons and daughters to participate in cooking activities and chores around the house.’ Similarly, school holiday activities were not primarily based on gender, but more on the child’s interest. One parent said, ‘My son loves anything dinosaur, so at half term we made dinocakes.’
Tania described that with this second group of parents there was an emphasis that both girls and boys should follow rules. However, Tania noted, ‘There was an assumption that boys would be angrier and more expressive of aggressive emotions when faced with unwelcome rules.’ Underlying this was an attitude that girls should not find following rules a problem, while boys will kick back and vent their objections.
SHARING BOOKS
Reading was almost unanimously considered good practice for all children, irrespective of gender. Supporting this, the parents were keen to read to their children. ‘I read to them both every night. They like stories. My son likes it more, but that’s just because he’s older,’ said one parent.
Clearly, the main emphasis of the discussions in both groups was gender. Play and behavioural expectations were dependent on this, although to varying degrees between the two generational groups. However, as Tania said, ‘What was really positive was how reading was exempt from this and celebrated for all.’
WHAT’S THE IMPACT?
Tania had a conversation with the nursery team about some of the children whose parents had been involved in the discussions. The staff noticed that it is mainly Bangladeshi girls who play in the home corner, and not so much the boys. The boys who are more likely to play there are from second-generation British Bangladeshi homes.
‘If I hadn’t had these discussions with the parents and disseminated them to the team, then I wonder if the gender gap would ever have been recognised,’ Tania says. ‘It makes me think about how we might unpick this permeating issue further.’
As the team thought more about this, an overlap was noticed. Several of the boys who did not frequent the home corner also presented with speech and language difficulties and found it hard to manage their emotions. This has prompted Tania and the room leader to explore further the validity of this observation – is there a correlation?
MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING
‘In terms of early years pedagogy, we do not, of course, distinguish between interests based on gender – we are beyond such archaic ways of thinking!’ states Tania. This has, however, to be made clear to the parents. ‘We need to explain how a range of play activities benefit learning and development for both girls and boys. It is noticeable that the independence skills of Bangladeshi boys are delayed compared to the girls. There is a substantial gap between the girls and boys in terms of feeding and dressing themselves. Frankly, much of the work here is about changing parents’ mindsets.’
This is a sensitive and serious endeavour. Anything to do with changing mindsets requires great thought and delicacy. Parents need to be listened to so that staff can appreciate where they are coming from. At the same time, staff need to be clear with parents about the school’s approach to play and what will be expected of their children, and, moreover, encouraged.
Ways in which this may be achieved include:
- At the initial parents’ meeting, the key person could explore play in an environment of mutual learning – a two-way conversation. It is a fine balance; parents need to feel they are heard and respected, but at the same time it is crucial to be clear about what their child will be required to do in the setting. This will produce conflict for some. It is important to find ways of dealing with this without being either dismissive or patronising.
- Can more parent focus groups be organised to discuss the many positive aspects of the various types of play in the EYFS? Could workshops be offered – some focusing especially on gender issues?
- How can the more contentious issues be approached, such as the fears parents have of their sons playing in the home corner? Or of their daughters wanting to rebel against their lot as future mother and home-maker?
The roles of sons and daughters can be very different in many communities, and this is something that needs to be taken on and explored with parents. Tania laughs, ‘We have a “joke” in our community that the boys are pampered and don’t do anything, and the girls do everything. When a son pours his own cereal, for instance, it’s seen as upsetting for his mother.’
This sort of ingrained attitude can be complicated to work with. For instance, mothers may see their role, or identity, as threatened. However, the differences between the two generational groups discussed here suggest that cultural changes do happen over time.
Tania is part of a study with the University of Oxford looking at language use in Bangladeshi homes. During recruitment, she noticed that, for one reason or another, it was often the husband’s decision whether or not his wife participated. It is important that girls coming out of the British education system do not find themselves in a position where they need to seek permission from their husband to further their own learning, or their children’s.
Caroline Vollans is a psychoanalyst working in education and is the author of Menopause: 35 women speak out.
