Q. What awkward parent situations have you encountered?
'One dad came to pick up his child and the little boy was in a pink tutu. The dad freaked. We tried to explain it was the child's choice but he had none of it. He started shouting and yanked the tutu off.'
'We always have parents who come late - gone 6 o'clock, it's the usual children who are still there. It's usually the parents who really want lengthy handover conversations who turn up at 6.10pm.'
'One parent wanted to know what kind of education people had, not training but school grades. Another wanted to choose their child's keyworker because of their grammar and handwriting, irrespective of training - she just thought this girl was posh.'
'We'd had a delivery and a mum was unhappy that things hadn't been put away so to get her point across she stormed up and down the corridor kicking things, rather than speak to someone calmly.'
'A parent picked on a quiet staff member and went right into her face, pointing at her. The carer was crying. She was so upset she'd been treated like that. I know that woman wouldn't have done it to other members of staff, because they wouldn't have stood for it.'
'Some parents say inappropriate or personal things to us, like complaining about their partners. We get that quite a bit.'
'I always cringe when we've got an accident report to do because you never know how the parent will react. Accidents happen, but some parents make a big song and dance about a small graze, then the child comes into nursery days later with a big bang on their head and the parent doesn't even know how it happened!'
'We're saying all this, but the vast majority of parents are good to work with.'
Q. Why do you think some parents are difficult to deal with?
'Some parents think they can demand anything they want because they pay for the nursery place.'
'People have stressful jobs and take it out on us.'
'Some women feel threatened if they see their child interacting well to a carer. It's about the parent's insecurities.'
'Some parents feel guilty because they are leaving their children in childcare. It's a case of looking for things wrong to make us feel bad. Really they feel bad because we're spending up to eight hours a day with their child and they're missing out.'
Q. How does it make you feel if a parent is difficult with you?
'Parents' actions sometimes really put us down - when they criticise our education level for instance.'
'It's so annoying when parents are ranting and raving about things instead of talking rationally.'
'I have been in nurseries where the children have suffered because of their parent's attitudes - not physically, but things such as not giving the child attention.'
'We're all educated and understand what kind of environment the children need. It's so annoying when we're always questioned.'
'Often other staff have dealt with the particular awkward parent, so you get their support and sympathy. It's nice to know it's not just yourself.'
'It's soul destroying to work hard and get someone criticising what you've done.'
'A lot of parents focus on the negative things and never come in and say how happy their child is. That'd make us feel so much better.'
'We do get some letters saying how happy they are, and boxes of chocolates, which feels great.'
Q. How have problems with parents been resolved?
'One parent came in drunk and wanted to take the child home. Then I had to go to management because we couldn't let them, and it was also distressing for the children. The initial reaction was to protect the children. Then deal with the parent.'
'We had the regular parents who always came late until we introduced a late collection fine. That's greatly reduced the situation.'
'It can seem sometimes that parents are being deliberately awkward, but when you have children of your own it does help to see it from their point of view. I get frustrated when my child comes home with holes in her shoes.'
'If the situation is getting out of hand and voices are being raised, I always remind them there are children present and take them outside. If they can't address the issue properly we ask them to return when they have calmed down.'
'I worked as a nanny, and it's a lot harder to deal with parents then because they're also your employer. It is hard not having a manager to talk to. You have to address it directly with the parents and tell them how they are perhaps hurting their children. It's great in a nursery when you have a supportive team.'
'Luckily in all the places where I have worked I've felt that I've had the backing of the managers. They supported me with parent issues.'
'Getting to know the parents themselves is a great way of then dealing with them when issues arise.'
'Sometimes it comes down to parents' expectations. We have to simply explain that we can't deliver, for example, all organic food because the fees would then be too hard for them to afford. We need to tell them that it is not realistic.'
To have your say, visit Nursery World's discussion forums at www.nurseryworld.co.uk
AN EXPERT'S VIEW
By Pat Wills, a parenting co-ordinator in Blackpool
Once upon a time, those who had had a bad day at work went home and kicked the dog. Now it seems that the person in the firing line could just be the first childcare worker encountered on the way home.
Imagine the scenario: Mum has spent all day being harassed by a line manager who is encouraging her to meet targets which contribute to their pay packets at the end of the month. She has been belittled and embarrassed by a regime which is increasingly less person-centred. When dropping her son at nursery this morning she was feeling even more guilty than usual, as he was clingy and demanding to stay home for the day.
Her journey from work to nursery was horrendous in the rush-hour traffic. Being cut up by someone in his flash BMW was the final straw. On arrival at the nursery she is greeted by a very lively and cheerful son who is thrilled that he has had his face painted pink ...
Inevitably, there are two sides to every story, and I am impressed by the strategies that this team have clearly developed to handle conflict. They show great empathy for parents who are clearly coping with high levels of stress and the inevitable guilt that accompanies parenting decisions.
I think that all provision for children has to incorporate 3 'T's to enable a calm and rational approach to positive relationships with parents and carers: Time, Team and Training.
Time is always in short supply, particularly at the beginning and ending of sessions. It is never easy to attempt to rationalise when parent, child and keyworker are all tired at the end of a long day. Somehow, nurseries need to ensure some quality time and private space for keyworkers to sit down with a parent to develop a shared partnership in terms of responsibility for a child's well-being. A shared honesty to be able to say, 'I was upset when you were angry that X had his face painted pink'. To be able to share the ethos of the nursery and its vision for children's learning and well-being.
The workers in this nursery were keen to highlight the level of support they feel is offered by the team. It's essential that young trainees are supported by more experienced team members who can model appropriate ways of handling challenging situations and defusing conflict. Managing nurseries on minimum staffing levels highlights the vulnerability of childcare professionals who do not have this essential support.
Underpinning all of this is training. So many professionals come into childcare because they love children. However, we have to remember that children are members of a family unit and must be supported within this unit. Parents are an integral part of the childcare worker's day and sharing the joy of their child's experiences is something to be celebrated.
