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In the past, a child admitting to having an imaginary friend has been a red flag for adults who assumed it was a sign that they were too shy to make real friends, felt lonely, were confused between fantasy and reality, or lacked something in their life. Increasingly, however, imaginary friends are being viewed as a normal, healthy part of child development, and a source of great interest for academics and practitioners alike.
Dr Karen Majors, a senior educational psychologist at the Institute of Education at UCL, says imaginary friends are far from rare, with 65 per cent of children having them by the age of seven. ‘It’s about time we did away with the feeling that these children are in the minority or have any kind of mental health problems,’ she says.
Instead, Dr Majors explains, academic studies in the past 20 years or so have found imaginary friends are often used by children to act out stories, play games with or explore a range of interpersonal interactions, and so are a ‘normal, healthy vehicle for the imagination’ that allow children to process what is happening around them.
‘They are not a sign of children being particularly anxious,’ she says. ‘Young children are interested in what is going on around them, and pretend play helps them use their imagination to explore things that are important to them or to help themselves feel better about something. This is all good for their cognitive, emotional and social development.’
REASONS
There is a range of reasons a child might create an imaginary friend, which professor emerita of psychology at the University of Oregon, Marjorie Taylor, in her 1999 book Imaginary Companions and the Children who Create Them, breaks down into nine key areas:
- fun and companionship
- combating loneliness
- issues of competence – a child might create a less competent friend to make them feel good, or a more competent friend to help boost their self-esteem
- restrictions or limitations in a child’s life – many imaginary friends are not subject to the same rules as a child, and have more belongings or abilities. One study has shown blind children are more likely to develop imaginary friends who can see than who are also blind
- avoiding blame – using an imaginary friend as an excuse for bad behaviour can help children develop self-control and understand adult expectations
- combating fears
- a means of communicating with others – imaginary friends can help children express their fears or worries by assigning these feelings to their friends rather than admitting to having them themselves
- response to traumatic events or situations such as abuse, poverty or loss
- a method of processing interesting or significant events and people – often simple or mundane such as re-enacting a family trip to the doctor’s or developing a friend of a different cultural background.
Professor Taylor says fun and companionship is the primary reason children create imaginary friends. Often, these friends take the form of humans, have ‘normal’ names and are more clearly modelled on children’s actual peer group in age, size and gender.
‘Often imaginary friends are portrayed as something children need,’ she explains. ‘But, in fact, children mostly use imaginary friends for fun play rather than to mean something deep is happening or something is missing in their lives.’
Some studies of imaginary friends also look at children who assign personalities to their toys, such as stuffed animals or dolls, which are often termed ‘personified objects’.
Personified objects are more likely to be animals, while imaginary friends more often take human form. Meanwhile, children with invisible companions are more likely to have multiple such friends, whereas children with personified objects are more likely to have just one.
When a child has an animal friend or personified object, they are more likely to have a more nurturing connection, with the child either wanting to look after the friend or vice versa, as opposed to the more equal relationship that is more often forged with an imaginary human.
Regardless of the form they take, imaginary friends will usually have their own personalities, rather than simply being an extension of the child, says Dr Majors.
‘Children don’t want to control their imaginary friend. They want it to have its own personality and likes and dislikes. This keeps it interesting, and helps children think about someone else, and about relationships. This all helps with their theory of mind and cognitive development.’
WHO HAS IMAGINARY FRIENDS?
Imaginary friends are likely to be developed in times of boredom or isolation, such as moving to a new area, or before or immediately after the birth of a new brother or sister. However, far from being lonely and withdrawn, Professor Taylor says children who have imaginary friends are, in fact, usually rated by their parents as being less shy.
‘Children who have invisible friends tend to enjoy social interaction. They are actually more creative and more social and therefore, when there is no-one else around, they decide to make people up,’ she explains.
Tests carried out by Professor Taylor and her team found that children who had imaginary friends were able to complete a half-finished story much more creatively than their peers who did not.
‘Children tend to be very scheduled, but with no time to themselves they probably won’t have an imaginary friend,’ Professor Taylor explains. ‘First-borns and those in smaller families, therefore, tend to have imaginary friends more than those with lots of siblings, purely because [the latter] don’t have as much time on their own.’
OLDER CHILDREN
The majority of imaginary friends are created by children under five, while a lot of children still have imaginary friends at six or seven. Sometimes the friends may disappear as a result of children finding new, real friends, but Professor Taylor notes that most of the time children simply lose interest in their companions, rarely expressing any sadness or regret about their departure. By the age of eight or nine, the numbers of children with imaginary friends drop significantly.
Dr Majors has focused much of her work on eight- to 12-year-olds who still have imaginary friends, and says that while around 10 per cent of ten-year-olds admit to having imaginary friends, and around 9 per cent of 12-year-olds do so, many more companions are likely to go unreported.
‘When you ask older children about imaginary friends, they don’t always admit to having them,’ she explains. ‘Usually, children over seven know they can be seen as a bit crazy. That’s a shame, because having an imaginary friend at that age is still a sign of imagination and creativity.’
Professor Taylor agrees. ‘Although we have started to view imaginary friends as more of a positive thing for young children, we still find it problematic when they are older. We especially think something is wrong when we see teenagers with invisible friends, although lots of them might still write to a form of imaginary friend in a diary, for example. But regular interaction is admittedly more of a pre-school phenomenon.’
Other aspects of relationships with imaginary friends change as children get older. Certain motives for developing an imaginary friend become less common, such as avoiding blame.
‘This fits in with the process that children go through of learning appropriate expectations of behaviour,’ explains Dr Majors. ‘Young children are not always able to keep up with that process, so they explore expectations through imaginary friends much more often than older children.’
CHILDREN WITH SEND
While most studies in the past 30 years have focused on comparing children who have imaginary friends to those who do not, there are other groups which remain relatively underexplored. Dr Majors says there has not yet been enough investigation of children with special educational needs and disabilities who have imaginary companions. ‘We know a diverse range of children have imaginary friends, for example a lot of children who are on the autistic spectrum, or who have speech and language development difficulties,’ she says.
‘They do not necessarily have imaginary friends in the same way as other children, as their companions might take different forms or serve different purposes. Children on the autistic spectrum do not always give their imaginary friends names, for example, or explore the same level of interpersonal relationships with them, but no-one has looked very much at any of that yet, and we should.’
ADULT RESPONSES
Children’s willingness to share their imaginary friends with others can vary. Some imaginary companions will accompany the child everywhere, some will remain at home. Some will have very little impact on daily life, while some have to be catered for, often needing to be served food or strapped into the car.
Some children will have a ‘partially concealed’ imaginary friend, who they might take to a real friend’s house, but won’t tell the friend they are there, or might share their imaginary friend only with their parents. And it can change; imaginary friends can go from something private to being all that a child talks about.
The response of adults who have been trusted with this information is vital, says Dr Majors. ‘Often a child likes others to know they have an imaginary friend, but adults can’t attempt to take over or control the friend. If an adult takes too much interest in imaginary friends, they will quickly disappear.’
Occasionally, however, worrying themes can come up in pretend play with imaginary friends, such as death, violence, illness or the supernatural, which can concern parents, relatives or practitioners if they are made privy to them.
Professor Taylor suggests this is a healthy way of dealing with difficult topics, and adults should welcome the opportunity to understand more about a child’s inner thoughts.
‘Imaginary friends can provide a window into what children are thinking or worrying about,’ she says. ‘Often the themes are dark or violent, but this just shows children are thinking about them. They then use play to help work them out.’
At no point should an adult let on that they know an imaginary friend isn’t real, not merely to preserve the magic but because children themselves are usually well aware, Professor Taylor adds.
‘Children know their friend isn’t real, so there’s no need to tell them. That’s really important. We have seen children often specifically reassure adults that their friend is not real.
‘There is no evidence to suggest children with imaginary friends are confused between fantasy and reality, and lots to show that they go to lengths to make sure we aren’t either.’
Most importantly of all, though, says Professor Taylor, there are no real rules when it comes to imaginary friends.
‘It used to drive me crazy, trying to define what the typical imaginary friend is. But I finally realised my finding was that there isn’t one.
‘I’ve heard about a thousand descriptions of imaginary friends, and people still surprise me with new ones, things I’ve never heard before. There is incredible variety. We are constantly trying to pre-empt children’s imaginations with screens and games, but I’m not worried about children’s imaginations at all!’
CASE STUDY: a poorly friend
Professor Marjorie Taylor recalls, ‘A parent asked me what to do when their child’s imaginary friend was always getting sick. The family would make plans to go out for dinner, and then they would have to cancel because the imaginary friend was not well so the child refused to leave the house.
‘They wanted to support their child’s imagination and didn’t want to say the friend wasn’t real, or wasn’t worth worrying about, but they felt the situation was getting ridiculous.
‘I asked whether anyone was sick in the family, and they said the grandmother had been unwell, but the child didn’t know about it. Eventually, they realised that although they had never specifically mentioned the grandmother’s illness, their child had obviously picked up on it.
‘After discussing this with them, we came to the decision that they would suggest a new imaginary friend to the child who could stay at home too and keep the original friend company. This allowed them to find a solution for the child that remained within the pretend play.
‘Children work through worries like this with pretend play a lot. For example, they might play with a monster, but if the monster starts getting too scary, they might suggest pretending it’s a baby monster instead. That is completely natural.’
CASE STUDY: a girl called Treak
Liz Holloway, who is the head of early years at a British community school in Qatar, says imaginary friends feature prominently at her setting.
‘A little boy I had last year spoke a lot about a girl called Treak, what she had done and where she had been.
‘Treak gave him a platform for his imagination, although she was “real”, and we talked to him as if she were.
‘He said she was his sister, and she changed in age as he did throughout the last two terms of his Foundation Stage 2.’
However, after this time, Treak stopped being talked about.
Ms Holloway says, ‘I mentioned Treak to him a couple of weeks ago and although he does remember her, he says she has got big now.
‘His parents told me she no longer features at all.
‘I think it is important to acknowledge imaginary friends and advise staff to ask questions to elicit a response. In our classroom, adults respond positively to imaginary friends, as do other adults who enter the setting.’
CASE STUDY: a brother called Carrot
About a year ago, Michael Rogerson was called into nursery by his son Alex’s key worker to discuss Alex’s dead brother. The only thing was, he didn’t have one.
‘I went home and asked Alex about this brother, and he told me his name was Carrot and he was 100 years old,’ explains Mr Rogerson. ‘That was when I realised what was happening.’
At three, Alex, who is an only child, had developed an invisible sibling substitute.
‘I think it’s because he would like a brother,’ says Mr Rogerson, ‘but it’s not because he’s particularly lonely. He’s got lots of friends who know about this “brother” too.
‘I think he’d be a bit cheesed off if he actually had a brother, because then he’d have to share. He’s much happier to share with Carrot than with his actual friends, I guess because Carrot will always give things back!’
At Alex’s request, the Rogersons make space in the car for Carrot, include him in board games and give him pretend food, while Alex plays games like trains with him at home.
Mr Rogerson says Carrot is a role model for Alex. ‘It’s like a child-appropriate version of Fight Club; Carrot is daring where Alex is chicken. Sometimes Carrot fights bad people. He can fly, and he can swim better than Alex too. He definitely gets idolised, and never does anything wrong.’
Carrot hung around for about a year, but recently Alex has talked about him much less. ‘Alex has started going to martial arts and he’s grown a lot in confidence. Now if we ask about Carrot he says he’s still around, but we don’t hear about him very often. Maybe he just doesn’t need him as much.’
CASE STUDY: a friend called Alice
Marie Prime had an imaginary friend called Alice from the age of two and a half. Her mother Sarah explains, ‘It was never acknowledged that Alice was imaginary, but she was mentioned a lot. Marie never actually played with her or told us much about who she was, but when she had built something with bricks or drawn a picture and we asked about what it was or why she had done it, she would often say it was Alice’s idea.
‘After a while Alice’s husband joined her, he was called Alison. They lived on the Walworth Road, which is where I did a lot of work so Marie had probably heard it mentioned.’
Marie had a beloved teddy that she took everywhere, but Ms Prime says that relationship was slightly different. ‘Alice and Alison never went anywhere with us. We never needed to prepare them to go out or feed them or anything. They were more like peers, or even adults, and much more self-sufficient, whereas Marie was very much the mother or childminder to her teddy.’
The imaginary friends both stuck around for about six months, until one day tragedy struck.
‘My partner sat down on the sofa one day and Marie said very matter of factly, “You’ve just sat on Alice.” After that, the invisible friends were never mentioned again. Her dad was absolutely traumatised but Marie was completely fine with it.’
