Positive Relationships: Behaviour - Not me!

A three-year-old in our pre-school is always telling lies. Even when we catch him doing something naughty, he will say he didn't do it and will blame it on someone else. How can we get him to learn that he must tell the truth?

I am reminded of one of my own children who was a very picky eater and, given the chance, would have lived on just chocolate. We had a rule that he could eat chocolate but only after a meal. He was about three when one day, as I was cooking the Sunday roast, he appeared covered head to toe in chocolate - face, hands, clothes and even his glasses. There was also chocolate smeared all over the fridge door.

'You've been eating chocolate', I said. He stood in front of me, looked me in the eye - a picture of innocence - and said no, he hadn't eaten any chocolate. I put on the nursery teacher face and said, 'I have a feeling if I look in the fridge, the chocolate won't be there any more!' He immediately replied, 'Oh, I thought you meant have you just eaten it. I ate it ages ago so that wasn't really telling a lie!'

So why do young children tell lies? They usually do it to:

• cover something up, hoping to avoid consequences or punishment

• play games with you because they think it's funny

• gain control over a situation or to avoid doing something they don't want to do, maybe out of fear or anxiety

• make their 'experiences' fit with the way they want things to be

• create a fantasy world more interesting than reality

• explore and experiment with others' responses and reactions

• exaggerate a story or impress others, gain attention, even when they are aware the listener knows the truth

• manipulate a situation or set something up - for example, saying to grandma, 'Mummy always lets me have sweets before dinner.'

STARTING YOUNG?

Children learn to tell lies quite early, sometime between two and four. Perhaps the first successful lie can be celebrated as a developmental achievement. They have begun to realise that adults may be good at guessing but can't read minds. Usually between the ages of four and six, they are much more skilled at lying but will often get caught out if they're questioned.

Research carried out by Victoria Talwar, a professor of developmental psychology at McGill University in Montreal, showed that four-year-olds can lie about once every two hours, and six-year-olds about every 90 minutes. By the time children get to age six, they lie more often and usually quite convincingly and by eight, they can usually lie so well they don't get caught out.

The age of 12 is thought to be the age of greatest deceit. Canadian researcher Kang Lee carried out a number of studies into children lying and believes that some lying is healthy because it is a sign of fantasy and imagination.

We have all come across a young child telling fantasy stories. My nephew, when he was about three, once listened to a story I told him about what happened to me when I was a small child and then told me the same story as if it had happened to him with lots of additional embellishments. He knew it wasn't true but became wrapped up in the tale he was telling.

Three-year-olds are generally not very good at lying because they don't realise adults will actually work out their intention, so they tend to forget about covering their tracks and their wishes and let imagination get in the way. However, some children - particularly at this age - struggle to distinguish between flights of imagination and what they wish to be true, so it is important not to judge.

Children also learn to lie from the people around them. When they note loudly, 'Look at that funny man, hasn't he got a big nose' or tell you, as a child said to me, 'You must be very old because your forehead's cracked' (I was in my twenties at the time!), we explain to them that this kind of honesty isn't always welcome and that there is a fine line between honesty and not hurting people - the beginnings of the acceptable 'white lie'. We all tell lies of convenience ('I'm really sorry I'm late. I had a problem with the car' when actually you overslept). Children listen and take note.

In a study which was published in the Journal of Basic and Applied Psychology, University of Massachusetts researcher Robert Feldman asked adult strangers to talk in pairs for ten minutes. Sixty per cent admitted to telling two or three inaccuracies or downright lies during the conversation. His research also showed that women more often lied to protect others while men lied to promote themselves.

Even young children can understand the importance of the 'white lie'. In a recent study, Angela Crossman from John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York, gave bars of soap as gifts to children aged between three and 11. They were asked if they liked their present. Almost 75 per cent of the children aged between three and five said 'yes', even though they later admitted they didn't.

SPILT MILK

The little boy you describe is almost certainly telling lies because he thinks he is going to get into trouble. I once taught in a school where virtually all the children were raised with the commandment of 'Thou shalt not grass'. It was pointless ever asking the class who had done something wrong because my question would be greeted by complete silence. It might be helpful to note the action but not apportion blame, and so avert creating a situation where he feels he has to lie to get out of difficulty.

For instance, if you have seen this little boy spilling the milk, there is little point in asking him why he did it. Just note that the milk was spilt and maybe he would like to get a cloth and clean it up. That way you don't put him or yourself in a standoff situation and he learns that he doesn't need to fear a punishment disproportionate to the action.

If a child is getting carried away with a story that is imaginary, the best thing to do is enter into the story by asking questions. These exaggerations might be the child's way of gaining attention and admiration so it may be helpful to find other opportunities to boost the child's self-esteem.

Children need clear boundaries and they need to know that you expect honesty; they need to understand that if they tell lies you may not believe them in future even if they are telling the truth. If a child does something wrong and owns up, praise him for being honest. A child may say to you 'It broke' rather than 'I broke it'. You can turn it into a joke, 'Oh, it just flew into the air all by itself, smashed itself into a million pieces. Let's see if it will happen again while I'm watching.'

When the child sees that your reaction is measured, he will be much more likely to own up to something in the future. Children have an innate sense of fairness and will accept that actions have consequences. If you spill the milk, you are expected to clean it up.

Most important of all is not to call the child a 'liar' or 'fibber'. When we are called names, we have a tendency to live up to them.

MORE INFORMATION

• Don't tell lies, Lucy! by Phil Roxbee Cox and Jan McCafferty

• Journal of Basic and Applied Social Psychology piece (June 12, 2002) by Robert Feldman, University Of Massachusetts

• 'Little liars: development of verbal deception in children' in Child Development Perspectives Lee, K (2013), vol 7 issue 2, p 91-96

• 'White lie-telling in children for politeness purposes' in International Journal of Behavioural Development by V Talwar, S Murphy and K Lee (January 2007 vol 31, 1-11)