Positive Relationships: A parent's guide to ... Gender

Imagine the scene. Two children go into a toy shop. The little girl heads immediately for the shelves laden with pink toys. The little boy soon finds the cars and dinosaurs. He picks up a clockwork dinosaur and starts to play with it. The little girl comes over and watches with interest. 'Would you like one of those?' enquires the parent. 'No,' says the girl, 'they're only for boys.'

While this little scenario is not true for all children, many parents do report that their children have strong play and toy preferences that split along gender lines. Why might this be?

A good starting point is to understand that many children from around the age of three will start to explore what it means to be of their gender. This is part of their overall development in terms of learning about self. In terms of why this extends to children's toy preferences, there are several theoretical perspectives. As with all interesting elements of child development, the jury is out as to whether we are seeing nature or nurture at work. Could it be that children instinctively choose certain toys that hark back to 'Stone Age' gender roles, or could it be that children choose the toys based on social expecations given via the product's colour, adult approval and peer pressure?

Whatever the answer, it can still come as quite a shock for parents (especially those who are keen to break out of stereotyping) to find that their four-year-old boy will not drink from a pink beaker or their three-year-old girl refuses to put on a coat that is blue.

Having said that, the extent to which children seem to explore gender roles can vary enormously from child to child. Some parents find that their child dips in and out of stereotyped play. A four-year-old boy may well pick up his sister's toys, but would not play with them at nursery. Equally, there are some children who hardly seem to care about what they play with in terms of who it is 'meant' for.

So what should you do, if you have a child who chooses to play on conventional gender lines? The answer will probably depend on your own viewpoint about gender in society. Personally, I would advise parents to check that their child's play preferences are not limiting their aspirations or opportunities to develop skills. Ideally, a broad-based approach to play is the most useful so that children learn a variety of skills.

If you feel that you want to expand your child's play horizons, make sure that you keep it fun. Playing with your child is important, or finding ways of incorporating what he or she is interested in. Think too about borrowing toys from other families that are different to what your child usually plays with. Novelty often pays off!

GIRLY GIRLS

If your girl is part of the pink parade and loves dressing up, looking at books, drawing and craft activities, she will be developing her language skills and pencil control. These are great skills, but consider supplementing her play 'diet' with the following:

• - Construction and gadget-type toys. Look out for toys that encourage construction, such as Lego. Construction is thought to help children's problem-solving and spatial skills. You may find that your daughter will want to combine this type of play with figures such as play people or animals.
• - Toys that are mechanical. These can be anything from clockwork toys through to remote controlled gadgets. These type of toys help children to take an interest in how things are made.

THE BOYS IN BLUE

If you feel that you have the stereotypical boy, you may find he likes toys that promote physical activity or are mechanical in some way. While these toys are fascinating and stimulate the imagination, you might like to supplement your son's play with the following:

• - Stories. All children do well when their parents take time to share a book with them. Encourage your son to talk about the pictures and turn the pages.
• - Early writing. Early writing is about scribbling and making marks. Look out for ways of helping your child to do this. This can be soapy sponges on windows or making marks with a stick in some sand. If you are not up for mess, look out for large sheets of paper and markers, accompanied by hole-punchers and stickers. Don't worry about teaching your son to write - just take an interest in what he is doing.
• - Helping in the home. Many children love helping adults with household tasks, especially cooking! Getting your son to join you can help language skills as well as teaching useful life skills.

CASE STUDY

'When Jason was born, my husband and I had firm ideas about what we would and wouldn't let him play with. We would not give him any guns, for example. When he was about two years old, we bought a toy kitchen set that he loved, as well as a pushchair and doll. At this point we felt that we had gender "cracked"!

'The trouble came a year or so later. I kept noticing that when he was at friends' homes, he would make a beeline for their son's guns, robots and fiercelooking animals. Then at home, I saw that his play was changing, too. Kitchen saucepans became helmets and the remote control became a gun. It was weird, because in other ways he was still the same sweet and loving child.

'For his fourth birthday, his granddad bought him a cheap toy gun (without asking us!) Jason was in heaven - so much so that he slept with that gun for a week. My husband and I had a long talk.

'Reluctantly, we came to the conclusion that we could not prevent Jason from being interested in "boys' toys". So Jason kept the gun, but my husband got him involved in cooking and caring for his baby brother!'