Positive Relationships: Ask the expert - Anxious parents

Q: A little boy in my setting has parents who keep requesting that my staff sit down with him and practise writing his name. I feel that this is not the right thing to do, as he is only three and much prefers playing chasing games or playing in the sand. They say that other children of his age are writing and that I am negligent not to be teaching him. Please help.

A: It must be very upsetting to have this conflict and be accused of being negligent! I imagine that you are distressed by this disagreement, but you may also regard it as an 'attack' on your setting's philosophy and professional practice. However, the phrase 'parents are a child's first educators' is the truth. How parents and other family members feel about writing (and reading) will profoundly influence a child's attitudes.

A starting point for working towards resolving such a situation can be found within the National Occupational Standards for working with parents. The requirements not only include practitioners having to work with parents to understand their children's needs, but also helping parents understand their own needs. In this situation, the latter may be helpful.

The first question might be why the parents are so anxious that their little boy has this skill. They say 'other children of his age are writing' - I wonder what leads them to think this? It sounds to me as if your setting has an emphasis on age-appropriate learning through play. Therefore, I am assuming that any 'writing' that is done is by making shapes in different mediums such as sand, painting, using big brushes, using building blocks and so on, without any emphasis on actual letter 'writing' unless a child instigates it.

The fact that they are accusing you of being negligent is a strong challenge and suggests that there are some very real issues underlying their anxiety. Perhaps they are afraid that their child will be a 'failure', or perhaps they come from an academic family where literacy skills are highly prized and they want him to achieve these skills as soon as possible. Perhaps they have relatives or friends whose children attend settings where the emphasis is on sitting down with formal writing activities, and they feel that you should be doing the same. Sometimes 'competition' between parents can be very powerful.

In addition, the parent's use of the word 'teach' for such a young child is an interesting clue to how they might view his sand play, for example - they could be feeling that somehow he is wasting time rather than 'learning'.

Your first step is to find out why being able to write his name is so important to them. Obviously, be very sensitive about this. I suggest that you make an appointment with the parents to discuss the situation. Ensure you are not interrupted, offer refreshments and assure them that you want to meet their concerns. Such a discussion may not be easy for you, but hang on to the important issue, which is helping the parents understand the needs of their child. Getting to the bottom of their anxiety may then allow you to talk about their son's achievement. Explain how writing is a skill, like reading, that has to be learned when children are ready to do so, and there are lots of developmental skills and abilities that need to be in place first.

Once the parents' concerns are addressed and understood, they may be more open to listening about how writing skills develop. Their name is often the first thing a child wants to write, but their ability to do so lies in this understanding of meaning coupled with the ability to form the shapes. Emergent writing, for example, is intertwined with painting or sand play, as these encourage the ability to make shapes. So their little boy making patterns in the sand is helping his future writing skills. A photograph of such play may help them follow the line of development.

Addressing, acknowledging and respecting the parents' anxieties and finding out what their concerns really are can help support everyone in doing what is best for the child. Good luck!

- If you have a behaviour query for Maria please e-mail it to: annette.rawstrone@haymarket.com, or write to the address on p17.