When no means no

It does not matter how experienced you are as a nanny. At certain times you will have to deal with children who have gone beyond saying 'No' and whose behaviour is shouting it for them. All children will go over the top at some time, even those who are mostly peaceable and open to compromise.

When young children really lose their ability to cope, we tend to call their behaviour a 'tantrum'. But they struggle with strong feelings in different ways and they attract different labels from adults: stubborn, unco-operative, disobedient, as well as bad-tempered. Experienced nannies realise that such words are a shorthand that really need to be filled out by some reflection: 'What has happened?' and 'How did the situation get this dire?' as well as 'What do I do now for the best?'.

When you know children well as individuals, you often spot them working up the emotional gears. Sometimes you can step in to calm and divert.

Sometimes you need to acknowledge that they have a point; it is not always the shouting child who is being unreasonable. It takes two to create a tantrum.

Tony is nanny to just-two-year-old Henry and nearly-five-year-old Maggie.

An enjoyable outing to the park with another nanny has gone sour. The children are hot and tired. Tony is dealing with a fretful Henry, when Maggie flings herself at one of the other children. Tony has to untangle Maggie's hands from the other child's hair. Then she collapses against his shoulder, sobbing hysterically. The other nanny says, 'Never mind, I think it's a hot weather tantrum'. But Tony can hear words through the sobs - 'It's not fair. He keeps calling me rabbit-face. He knows it upsets me and he keeps saying it.' Maggie is usually even-tempered, but the relentless teasing, and maybe also the heat, have overwhelmed her ability to cope.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Supportive nannies recall their knowledge of child development and have realistic expectations of any young child. Toddlers and young two-year-olds flex their emotional muscles once they have learned the handy word 'No!'.

They need plenty of your patience and willingness to compromise over issues that are not all that important.

Adults who feel they must 'win' a disagreement with a young child will only create endless squabbles. They will waste energy on insignificant events, like a toddler wanting to wear non-matching socks or begging for just one more go on the special bike before leaving the drop-in session. Firmness needs to be saved for ensuring that the toddler wears a sun hat in hot weather or insisting 'we are definitely leaving now' when one more go on the bike and one extra has been enjoyed.

Tony realises that Henry runs out of his words swiftly. Earlier in the week they had been at a drop-in together. Tony knows that Henry is very fond of painting and was keen for him to have a go at the art activity. But in his enthusiasm, Tony overlooked the fact that today, Henry was very busy with the large wooden bricks and his own 'building project'. Tony tried to coax Henry away to the art table. After a couple of 'No's' and 'Go away Tony!', Henry threw himself on the floor and started to wail.

Tony is the only regular male at this drop-in. He gets offered a lot more 'help and advice' than anyone else. So Tony needed to put aside feeling self-conscious because of the audience. He sat down by Henry and patted his shoulder, saying quietly, 'Sorry for interrupting your building'. Henry calmed down and snuggled into Tony's lap. Tony reminds himself that Henry has toddler-level concentration. When he is fully absorbed, Henry cannot tolerate being asked to stop and change to another activity. He needs warning and time to make the adjustment. Like many other under-threes, Henry may get called 'stubborn'. But it is more likely that his concentration is just very focused. He is a 'one thing at a time' person.

READY TO COMPROMISE

You show a strong option when you offer the compromise. You can be firm but fair. It is different when children learn that they can whine their way around a nanny who does not stick with commitments. There is a middle ground between being an over-fierce, authoritarian adult and the other extreme, being a pushover.

* Use your planning and organisation skills to make the timing and rhythms of the day manageable for children. Avoid packing in so much that fraught children can only protest by throwing a serious wobbly.

* Allow for time to move from one part of the day to another and manage children's expectations - 'Time for three more sandcastles, then we have to get ready for school pick-up.'

* It does not work for you to say something six times because you are not confident that the child will listen. Young children need you simply to say their name, so you get their attention, then say what is wanted of them.

* If children do need to follow your request, then say it once in a normal voice and give them time to act. Say it again in a firmer voice if necessary.

* Then, follow up non-compliance with a clear consequence. It might be, 'It is ab-so-lute-ly bath time now. You can walk on your own feet or I can piggy-back you into the bathroom.'

Head to head Three-year-old Darren likes to linger when he is out on a walk with his nanny Kimberley. He seems happy as the distance stretches between himself and Kimberley, but she is concerned for his safety and calls to Darren to 'come and join me'. Darren will not move. Kimberley tries what worked in her previous family, saying to Darren, 'I'm leaving. You need to come now'.

Unlike her previous charge, however. Darren does not break into a concerned trot to join her. In fact, he starts walking in the opposite direction.

It is a stand-off, or more accurately a walk-off, and Kimberley is forced to head after Darren for his own well-being. After a couple more incidents like this, Kimberley recognises a power battle in the making and she has the sense to talk with Darren's parents. His father apologises for failing to share the family strategy, which is to bend at the knees and fling their arms open wide. Darren runs at speed for a 'big cuddle', and several of these may be needed to cover the distance when Darren is tired, or simply wants to go in another direction from everybody else. Kimberley goes one better and tries some variations around this strategy. Soon she and Darren have their own special way of getting back through the park. Darren likes to be Spot the Dog and to chase after pretend balls and sticks, that Kimberley 'throws' in the right direction, and then runs with him.

Kimberley has to deal with a rather different situation with Natalie, Darren's elder sister. Natalie is seven years old and very aware of her place in the playground pecking order. She has contradicted Kimberley several times in public, and today she has informed Kimberley that two of her friends are coming back for tea. Kimberley explains, 'I'm afraid that isn't possible, Natalie. You have a dentist appointment. We can organise a visit for next week.' Natalie stamps her feet and shouts, 'You're just the nanny. My parents pay you. I've told them they can come to tea today!'

Kimberley remains calm. 'And I have explained why that is not possible. We can talk about this when we get home.' Later, when Natalie has calmed down, Kimberley starts a conversation with, 'Natalie, I have never been rude to you in the playground. I know you really wanted your friends to tea, but that does not make it all right to shout at me.'

SCENARIO

Three-year-old Naomi really needs to have the last word in even minor disagreements. Fiona, her nanny, has observed the sparks flying when Naomi squares up to her mother, who unfortunately also wants to have the last word. Neither will back down, but Naomi tends to run out of words before her mother and shifts into screaming.

When Fiona started work with the family, the mother told her regretfully that Naomi was 'wilful' and 'rude'. Fiona handles the situation by saying what she needs to tell Naomi and then ignoring the usual riposte. Sometimes Fiona smiles, saying, 'Happy now?' and Naomi has started to grin back.

Fiona has found a way to defuse what could be regular sparring. However, she does not yet feel sufficiently at ease with Naomi's mother to make the suggestion to her. Matters come to a head when Naomi's mother has a meeting at home with a colleague. She is passing by when she hears a mild disagreement between Fiona and her daughter. She intervenes immediately and carries Naomi out to another room and speaks firmly with her. Fiona is then left with a tearful and annoyed Naomi and hears her mother being congratulated by her colleague for 'being firm - it's what children need'.

Fiona takes the opportunity to talk with the mother, starting with, 'I found it difficult when you stepped in and took Naomi out of the room. I was handling the situation. Perhaps now would be a good time to talk about ways to handle what you feel is Naomi being wilful.'