Working Mum - Making friends

‘I just sit in the corner by myself,’ my then five-year-old daughter told me matter-of-factly around a year ago when I enquired who she played with at school. It was towards the end of her first term in Year 1 and I was incredibly upset to think of her all alone during break times and not interacting with anyone.

Her dad and I were also quite angry with the school when this came to light. The issue of her being slow to make friends had first been raised by her Reception teacher during the previous school year. She’d gradually started to talk about some other children in her class and we hadn’t pursued the issue further with her teacher because we incorrectly thought that, although she didn’t have a big circle of friends, it was no longer of concern. We thought the issue should have been monitored by the school better, especially on the transition from Reception to Year 1 when the children move to a big playground with all the older children.

Perhaps oddly, I was more saddened by the thought of my daughter not having children to play with than she was. When asked, she said that she wasn’t unhappy but that, yes, she would prefer to be playing with other children. She was doing well at school and enjoying it. At home she engaged in lots of imaginative play with her younger sister so we knew that she was capable of interacting with others. While she was not lacking in confidence, we could see that she had more of an introverted personality and was a deep thinker.

Her dad and I felt that it was important to speak to her class teacher to see whether we could devise a strategy to help our daughter to build some friendships. I made an appointment with her teacher and went armed with notes about how I felt this was an important issue for her future happiness and success at the school; how developing friendships, social skills and collaboration is essential for educational success as well as happiness.

A POSITIVE APPROACH

Thankfully her teacher was very understanding and listened to what I said. She knew the reason for our meeting in advance and had come prepared with some positive suggestions. These included having a circle time session about playtime and discussing with the class about introducing a buddy system for breaks and lunchtime.

She said she would scaffold how to approach and ask to join in if my daughter wanted to play with others. Another plan was for the staff on playground duty to organise games during break time for groups of children to play together. Our daughter was also invited to a weekly drama club at school led by an outside theatre company aimed at supporting the development of communication skills. She still loves attending the sessions.

Outside school, she went to a local Rainbows group, which some girls from her class also attended. The teacher encouraged them to talk about what they had been doing at Rainbows and show other children the games and activities they had been enjoying. This helped to give my daughter more of a sense of belonging. It was a slow process, but by the end of the school year she was increasingly talking about a few friends and being invited to more birthday parties.

We’ve recently had the first parents evening in Year 2. It was really reassuring to hear that the new teacher had been briefed about our daughter’s struggle to form friendships. She mentioned that she had been planning on putting her name down for a lunch club to help her make more friends. After observing our daughter over the first few weeks of the new school year, she decided that it wasn’t necessary. We felt the same.

While she still enjoys her own company, she is also more sociable. She runs up to other children in the playground at the start of the day, waves at children in the street and talks about what she’s been doing with her friends.

A WORD OF ADVICE

By consultant Marion Dowling

I do sympathise with the concerns of parents about their child’s friendships. Most feel that despite the pressure on young children to achieve, having and maintaining friends is critical for their child’s well-being and learning.

Why friendships matter

We live in a democratic society and it is crucial that children learn to rub along with others.

Those who relate easily to others are likely to make an easy transition to Reception or Year 1; they are supported by companionship, physical closeness, shared experiences and reassurance. Those who make this move alone can feel isolated, anxious and afraid.

The importance of companionship was demonstrated when children who had been in a Reception class for only six weeks were asked what advice they would offer to a new starter. One boy gave a clear message: ‘Get a friend.’

The school’s response

The Year 1 teacher here tackled the matter energetically, providing practical ways to encourage social interactions.

The happy outcome suggests that given time and sympathetic interactions, children who are cautious about socialising will start to relate to others.

Importantly, the class teachers appeared to keep in touch about individual children.

Parents can play a part

As with all aspects of a child’s development, joint working between home and school is a powerful support strategy. Children:

• may enjoy listening to parents’ memories of friendships they had when young and what they did together
• may need time to observe others at play without being pressurised to join in
• should be encouraged to invite new friends home to play.

See Marion Dowling’s article ‘All about…children’s friendships’, NW, 8-21 August 2016.

[asset_library_tag 1356,Download the PDF]