Behaviour: boundaries

Within every family there will be certain routines and boundaries. These will vary from family to family, but they are essential if things are to run smoothly and children are to feel secure. Without such guidelines and limits, young children would have difficulty making sense of their world.

Children have always tested their parents and carers. It would be unusual indeed if a child never tried to push bedtime a little later or touched something forbidden. Such challenges are a normal part of growing up. Children need to begin to assert themselves and to take some control over their lives. But they also need to know that the adults in their world are in ultimate control and thus can take care of them.

REASONABLE AND CONSISTENT

It is important that the routines and limits set are reasonable and consistent and that they are discussed with and understood by the child. It is also important, however, that a child is encouraged to make decisions whenever possible in order to become steadily more confident and independent. Decision-making skills can be fostered in young children by offering two or three options, rather than leaving the child with a totally free and overwhelming choice.

In recent years, bringing up a child has become difficult for parents trying to cope with the pressure on children to have the 'right' clothes, shoes and toys and to consume heavily-promoted foods or sweets. Such pressure from commercial quarters starts at a very young age, and can easily lead to conflict. Parents find it hard to refuse their children the Barbie shoes, Teletubby toys or McDonald's Happy Meals they demand, particularly if their friends have such things.

Television and computers in the home can also lead to family conflict, with children pleading to stay up to watch certain programmes or to 'finish this last game'. Although these are relatively new issues, they need to be addressed in the same way as all other boundary-setting.

What feels right will vary from parent to parent, but once decisions are taken they need to be upheld consistently. If a child finds that whining or screaming will change his parents' mind and get him what he wants, he will of course try this tactic again.

It is important for parents to understand that setting routines and boundaries is part of caring for a child; they are not being authoritarian, but are acting responsibly. For example, allowing a child to wear flip-flops or a full-length dress to nursery could cause her to have an accident. Some parents, remembering the strictness in their own childhood, are tempted to forego all rules, but by doing so they may leave their child confused and insecure. An overly-restrictive regime is also undesirable, because it allows the child little room to develop self-reliance.

Ideally parents should try to achieve a balance where there is structure and security for the child but also opportunity for choice and independence, which can increase as the child grows towards adulthood.

KEY ACTION POINTS

• Remember boundaries help young children to feel secure and to make sense of their world. The world would seem a bewildering place if anything could happen at any time or if the same behaviour elicited different responses at different times. Knowing what to expect and what is expected of them is reassuring. Children sense at some level that they are vulnerable and to feel safe they need to know that you, the adults, are in control.
• Avoid too much structure or too rigid a routine as this can be stifling for a child, leaving no free time or no possibility of responding spontaneously to events. Too relaxed a routine, that changes too readily, however, can leave a child confused and anxious. So too can a situation where there is some inconsistency between a child's main carers.
• Plan routines for meals, rest, activity and sleep within each day. Emphasise to parents the benefits of a predictable and enjoyable bedtime routine for young children. 
• Take total control where safety, food and sleep are concerned. A child does not have sufficient experience to know that filling up with sweets and failing to eat proper meals can cause health problems. He may also tend to keep going beyond the point when he needs rest or sleep, becoming unhappy and upset. You, as the adult, need to ensure he receives good nourishing food and sufficient sleep.
• Remember children do need to learn to make choices, though, steadily taking on more responsibility each year as they are growing up. Young children need to be offered choices as often as possible, but it is best if these are limited. You could say, for example, 'What would you like for lunch - sandwiches, soup or pasta?' or 'Where shall we visit - the library or the park?'
• Bear in mind every child will challenge their boundaries from time to time. This is a normal part of growing up. As the child becomes more aware of himself as a separate being he will want to assert himself and have some control over his life. It is very important that he understands that making a fuss will not succeed. If you give in because he screams and kicks, you can expect such behaviour next time too.
• Think carefully about your boundaries in advance. Keeping them few and consistent, and explaining them clearly, will help you to feel confident in the face of these inevitable challenges.

If you are unhappy with a current lack of boundaries...

•  Effect change gradually through a carefully thought-out approach.
• Try reducing the options so that the child is choosing between two or three pre-selected foods, for example.
• Support parents in establishing a consistent bedtime routine - time to wind down, followed by a predictable order of events. The routine should be enjoyable, but parents should be firm about their child not then getting up again. If he does so, take him back and avoid rewarding him with further drinks, stories or attention.

This article is based on a Nursery World 'Behaviour' series by psychologists at the Anna Freud Centre in north London, a registered charity, offering treatment, training and research into emotional development in childhood