Positive Relationships: Working with parents - By definition

There's no doubt that we live in a society where 'involvement' is a highly valued commodity. We are urged to 'get involved' in a range of ways. 'Text us now and get involved', 'Press the red button and get involved', 'Sign up for the fun run and get involved' ...

Most requests are from bodies or figures far removed from our day-to-day lives and the consequences of being involved or not are seldom clear. While 'getting involved' and donating money may make a difference, it can be hard to quantify the impact of, say, offering your view on a news story.

When it comes to the care of young children, 'involvement' is, thankfully, inevitable, isn't it? After all, those who work in the education and care of young children must automatically 'be involved' with the parents and carers of those very same children?

Sadly, this does not always seem to be the case. Involvement means many things to many people and, ironically, it seems to me that sometimes educators don't want parents to be too involved. Let me explain.

I run many courses on outdoor learning, all of which pretty much urge practitioners to be outside with the children whatever the weather. When folk share reasons for not doing so, an oft-heard complaint is 'Ah, but it's the parents, isn't it?' When this phrase is unpacked, it usually transpires that a parent has commented about having to get a child's dirty clothes clean.

Instead of seeing this as a criticism of our practice, perhaps we would do well to imagine the parents' dilemma (especially in winter) of trying to launder clothes when not arriving home until late and being expected to cook a 'proper' meal and, ideally, read a bedtime story.

Sometimes people's comments are just a statement of how life is for them, rather than a criticism of our practice. Instead of using such comments as a reason not going outside, perhaps we need to think of ways to demonstrate to parents just how valuable such experiences are for young children.

THE MEANING OF INVOLVEMENT

If you look up the word 'involvement' in the dictionary, you'll find various definitions, so let's examine some of them one by one, in relation to the families with whom we work.

To contain something

Clearly, the first definition is not in dispute. Our settings clearly involve the children as a necessary element. We are trusted with people's most precious possessions, their children - the best raw material that any work force enjoys, I believe. However, this containment is not enough. Involvement has to be more than just provider and customer, if the best relationships are to develop.

To concern somebody

To move to the second definition, children's futures clearly concern us all. If we don't want what is best for the children in our care, then we need to find another mode of employment. We also need to trust parents to want what is best for their children, while understanding that our views on that may occasionally differ. We will only be able to open up dialogue with such parents if we offer a non-judgemental approach and let parents know that they can discuss their children with us without fear of criticism or negative judgements.

When I listen to some people's conversations about families, it seems that some parents just can't win. Parents with seemingly low aspirations are criticised for not doing enough, while those with high aspirations are regarded as being pushy, or causing their children undue stress.

To implicate somebody

The definition of implication is an interesting one to consider. All families are involved as soon as their child enters a setting. However, levels of involvement are many and varied. When judging how involved families are, it is necessary to recognise the true implications for us, as practitioners. What kind of involvement do we want?

If we send questionnaires, surveys or other devices that seek information and opinion, do we truly want to act on the information received - or is it merely a token gesture, another thing to tick off and say 'Done'?

Do we make requests that everyone can fulfil to one degree or another? How well I remember my own mother sighing heavily on receipt of yet another letter requesting money, and being the only child to take back the Christmas cards, raffle tickets and any other 'for sale' items the school sent home.

Equally, I have known parents criticised for trying too hard. If our own behaviours suggest (however covertly) that we think some families are better than others, then of course some folk will want to be 'the best'. It's human nature.

To cause somebody to participate

To engross somebody

In my view, most learners are motivated when the activity that they are invited to participate in looks attractive and is relative to them and takes place in a safe emotional environment with a supportive educator. Adults are no different to children in this regard.

Many parents thoroughly enjoy 'hands-on' workshops, where they are able to reflect on learning through play by being put in touch with their own childhood experiences and having their recollections valued for their uniqueness, not dismissed because they don't fit an imagined ideal.

Equally, it is important for us to show that we are involved with their children at this level; that we are fascinated by the young learners in our care, whether they be babies or reception age; and that being in the company of children gives us real pleasure. Are we truly engrossed with all the children in our care, or is our own involvement as superficial as the pressing of a button?

To make something complicated or difficult to follow

For me, this final definition can lie at the heart of a failure to encourage genuine participation on the part of all families. It is easy to exclude people through the use of technical language or through the way activities are presented. Think carefully about the cultures and lives of the families who are your raw material.

True involvement requires recognition of the need for educational settings to reflect the real needs, genuine hopes and desires of the communities that surround them, removing the barriers created by the expectations of some unachievable ideal.

CASE STUDY: JAMIE AND THE SUPERHEROES

At a nursery school in London, one of the boys has shown a developing interest in a wide range of superheroes. His particular favourite is Spiderman.

He enjoys drawing Spiderman in the graphics area and makes models of his comic book hero in the creative area. Outside he makes web-like marks with chalks, forming large and complicated patterns.

The nursery staff photograph him engaged in these activities and display the photographs and some of his models on a display board that parents walk past as they enter the nursery.

Jamie's dad, who has previously had no meaningful contact with the staff, notices the display and initiates a conversation with his son's keyperson. He begins the conversation with 'Is it all right that we like Spiderman in our house then?'

This conversation was the beginning of a truly positive relationship between Jamie, his family and the nursery. Jamie's dad offered to lend a Spiderman DVD to the practitioner, who was honest enough to say that she had never seen any of the movies.

POINTS FOR REFLECTION

Test yourself ...

• Do the displays in your setting truly represent the diversity of interests of the children and families in your setting?

• Do your displays reflect children's achievements across the curriculum, including outdoors?

• Would all of the families see their children's achievements celebrated in your displays?

• Make a list of the children in the setting. Think about those who come last on the list, or those that you find difficult to recall.

• How could you involve yourself more effectively with these children and their families?

Reflect upon ...

• Think about a time when you have become 'involved' yourself.

• What made you want to become involved? Could you replicate these conditions for parents who seem reluctant to be involved?

• Now think about a time when you have been reluctant to involve yourself.

• Do you think any of those conditions apply to the families with whom you work?

• Describe your ideal family to a colleague. What would a typical day in the life of such a family look like?

• How can you show empathy with the families with whom you work?