Living in hope

The out-of-school sector is awash with expectation, much of it unspoken, quite unrealistic and emotive.

The theory of expectations is often referred to as the 'self-fulfilling prophecy' and is demonstrated by those who succeed against all odds because they have faith in themselves. Conversely, it is shown by people with an overabundance of talent who fail because they expect to do so. Between these extremes we encounter other perspectives that influence the way we are seen and the services we offer.

Hope and reality

There is a limit to how much information can be given out to parents and we have no control over how much of it is absorbed. Inevitably there are mismatches between expectation and reality:

Parents want: 'State-of-the-art playcare environment with a behaviour-management system tailored towards much-loved only child aged six. Must have flexible opening hours, highly motivated staff (preferably with academic degrees), one-to-one family drop-in counselling services and be excellent at managing lost property. Prepared to uphold our evolving family values and contactable by telephone at any time desirable.

Payment terms: as and when convenient to family.

Start date: tomorrow.'

Clubs want: 'Children of all shapes, sizes, ages and interests from wide-ranging backgrounds to engage in play and activities in a positive, appreciative manner with minimum of intervention. They should have supportive, punctual parents with fundraising and conflict management skills.'

Placing their children in your care in order to maintain a career may well have been parents' third or fourth choice - the first being a stay-at-home mum or dad, second hiring a private nanny, third a childminder or after-school club.

Maybe they fall short of their expectations of themselves as parents and over-compensate by bringing up every niggle and seem untrusting of the service, which is exaggerated by tiredness at collection time. Address this by means of opening phrases such as, 'I feel that you are expecting something from us that we haven't discussed...' or 'I sense that you are dissatisfied with our service and I would like to understand why.' At the very least, this lets the parent know that you are aware of a tension and prompts them to consider what is causing it.

Parents naturally want a high-quality service but expect it to cost less.

They are simply unaware that behind most out-of-school services in the UK there is an effective fundraising machine or highly motivated, dedicated people or both. See that they learn.

Mistress-Servant confusion

This manifests itself in inexplicably unfriendly or overly formal interactions by parents with staff. They are uncertain how the relationship should be - like friends or servants? The answer is like partners - the more your written material gets this across, then the better.

However, a residual sense of, 'I'm paying for this so I expect x, y and z'

is hard to eradicate and takes tact to combat. You will no doubt be made aware of dissatisfaction in which case respond as follows:

1 Avoid becoming angry and wait for them to relay their expectations, literally until they run out of things to say. For the moment, at least, you must remain the servant.

2 Then explain that you see you both as equal partners in the care of their child, acknowledge their points and reassure them of your status by cheerfully stating your professional qualifications and length of experience.

3 Finally, invite them to take an appropriate 'mistress' role in the service by sitting on the management committee or becoming a volunteer bookkeeper perhaps? Whether they take up the offer or not, your relationship should have moved swiftly to one of equality.

Chaotic families

These families expect the out-of-school service to succeed where they fail, particularly in finding lost unnamed property and getting Jemima to do her homework.

They expect to discuss things with you either at the very moment the thought comes into their mind, or not until it is too late because they forgot. They will, if allowed, keep changing days of attendance and frequently mix up arrangements for collection so that little Jemima is in a daze.

Don't take any more than your fair share of responsibility. A phrase that helps is, 'Your lack of planning is not necessarily my emergency.' Adhere absolutely to what is written down - any discretionary changes will open the floodgates to impromptu requests and have you in a spin as well.

The same applies to parents of the child-from-hell whose 'challenging'

behaviour is reinforced by their own hostile behaviour towards you every time you share news of an unhappy incident instigated by little Aaron.

Their expectation is that the rest of the world will adjust to their child.

Keep good records and impose the formal processes sooner rather than later.

It is in Aaron's interest to have clear boundaries consistently applied.

Late-for-everything people expect you to accommodate their tardiness because they allow that in others. Continual lateness is an attitude not an affliction and is disrespectful.

Schools' expectations

What schools want varies enormously. A head teacher who has had an unsatisfactory experience of out-of-school clubs in the past will attempt to over-legislate for, or completely reject the idea of, the use of the school premises for a new after-school service. When faced with a resistant head move on to another that would love to have you. Other head teachers expect you to succeed and in both cases, the prophesies are likely to be self-fulfilling.

Schools want: 'Efficient out-of-school club to offer top quality activities to school population alongside the several that we set up ourselves free of charge, at a moment's notice including using the space set aside for the club - in which case the derelict classroom may be used. All areas must be completely clean and clear of debris regardless of how the mess originated.

The service must be self-funding, self-administrating and self-publicising.

It will preferably win awards and be an asset to the school.'

Clubs want: 'Rent-free school premises for the purpose of running an out-of-school club for local children. Access to school resources and administration essential, co-operative relationship demanded.'

New recruits

People starting new jobs will obviously have great expectations and that isn't always a good thing. Alongside the positive aspects, be sure to inform them of the challenges of the workplace, especially if they will be living with a part-time wage. New staff need to know what to expect.

A respected colleague believes that almost everyone choosing employment with children is trying to 'fix' something from their own childhood. Some things can't be fixed and if a working relationship starts to feel like a bad marriage try to find out what is going on under the surface.

The term 'burn-out' describes the difference between expectation and reality. When the workplace demands superhuman efforts, people feel overloaded, frustrated and 'burnt out'. The six key areas for workplace happiness are:

a manageable workload

opportunity for rewards

sense of direction

feeling of community

confidence in the fairness of the workplace

shared ideals.

great expectations

Other children's manners, culture and play styles provide common areas for dispute. Children's accusations of bullying regularly turn out to be an innocent mismatch in expectation of behaviour by the children themselves. A good playworker will easily spot the difference and see that everyone's needs are respected.

Community expectations of an out-of-school project range from keeping the children off the streets to running services without charge or having an infinitely flexible intake. Many of us have encountered neighbours who expect the children to play quietly!

There are four essential elements in any successful relationship:

honesty about expectations

respect for each other's feelings

trusting communication

sharing responsibility.

Be clear about what you are offering, outline the limits and keep checking the expectations of everyone who is engaged with your project. Then watch your business blossom.

Jackie Nunns is a founding member and director of the Trojans scheme, a charity running out-of-school services in south London

TOP TIPS

Parents collecting their children in good time have positive opinions of the service reinforced by seeing activities in action and children reluctant to leave. Parents who arrive later see their children in a more barren environment, which, for some, reinforces their expectation that they and you are letting their child down.

Ask anyone what their expectations are and see just how difficult to define and communicate they are!

When faced with blatant prejudice, don't be afraid to challenge it with the phrase, 'I don't share your views.'