All change

As a nanny you may be part of a family throughout the time that a new baby is expected, and then arrives to change the shape of this family for everyone. Or you may be involved at different stages of the transition time, as the mother takes leave from work. How you will tune into the needs of the parents, the other children and the new baby depends on whether you are with the family from the outset or you join at some point in the process.

For example, Maria was already with the family and therefore knew Ellie and Sam, two and four years old, quite well.

Maria shares with the parents some of Sam's questions about the baby to come. But Maria has to adjust herself more than she anticipated to the temporary situation when Felicity, the children's mother, is around the home for a couple of months.

After some confusing days, they have to talk through as adults the sharing of time and routines with the older children and the care of the new baby. They reach a workable agreement that enables Felicity to spend some uninterrupted time with Sam and Ellie, as well as getting to know her new baby.

After a few weeks, Maria has to talk again with Felicity about a reasonably predictable pattern when the mother starts to complete some work for her job at home. Sam and Ellie, as well as Maria herself, find it hard to handle Felicity's sudden decisions during the day to retreat to her study or to emerge and want time with the children.

In another example, Nadia started her job with a family whose previous nanny had left at the point when the mother, Charlotte, had started her maternity leave. Charlotte took care of three-year-old Rory and then the new baby brother until Nadia started, one week before Charlotte was due to go back to work.

Nadia finds that Charlotte struggles to hand over the care of baby Michael. He has been breast-fed and Nadia finds it hard to get Michael used to a bottle. Nadia needs to talk through Michael's care routines with Charlotte in ways that make it easier for the mother to trust that Nadia will of course follow the patterns that suit Michael.

Rory seems happy about his new baby brother but makes it clear that in his view, there have been far too many changes in recent months. He wants to know how long Nadia will stay - will she disappear like his previous nanny? And why does Mummy have to go back to work, when it was much nicer having her home?

Nadia needs to reassure Rory, without making promises about how long she will stay with the family. She realises that Rory did not understand that his previous nanny had gone for good, and Nadia talks over with Charlotte what might need to be explained to Rory now.

Getting ready

If you are with the family through a pregnancy, then it is necessary to talk with the parents about what will be said to the children, when and by whom. You may be able to support and advise parents, but the final decisions will be up to them.

Children who are three or four years or older need to know about a new baby from the early months. They are likely to overhear adult conversations and will wonder what is happening. They may also be worried if their mother is unwell or actually sick in the early months.

Children younger than three years can be told in the later months, especially once there is a noticeable bump. They will be happy to know that 'We've got a baby in there' and may want to pat the bump.

In the last month or so, younger children may like to be part of organising the baby's things. They will be reassured to hear that they can 'donate' their old clothes or a couple of baby toys, but that this is a genuine choice. They need to know that they are not required to hand over treasured possessions.

It is wise to avoid promoting a new baby as a prospective playmate.

Realistically, it will be a long time before the baby will join in, although the older child or children will probably be adept at entertaining the baby.

Children of three years and older are likely to ask lots of questions: will it be a boy or girl, can I choose the name, what will she or he want to eat? Children are often as interested in the practical issues as well as the more technical questions, such as how was this baby made and how do babies come out of Mummy's tummy? In a family you may find that the parents would rather answer such queries as 'How do you make babies?' themselves.

On the other hand, you may work for a family where the parents are happy for you to deal with any such questions.

A wide range of books is available on babies and birth. Some are illustrated with sketches or cartoons and some have photographs. It is sensible to check with the parents what they think of a book before you share it with their children. Some books are more explicit than they may wish.

When older children are keen to talk about babies, this conversation can naturally extend to 'when you were a little baby'. If you were with the family at that time, you will have anecdotes to share. Otherwise, ask the family if you can get out the photo albums, and encourage parents to join in the reminiscences.

When baby arrives

The arrival of a baby brings adjustments for everyone. But it is not the case that an older child will always feel resentment or jealousy. So-called sibling rivalry is not inevitable, and much depends on sensible adult behaviour around the new and the 'old' baby. Older children sometimes get accused of jealousy rather swiftly by family or friends. A merely temporary complaint about a noisy baby or crawler who has 'messed up my bricks' gets seen as a syndrome. Older siblings may be unfairly labelled as 'jealous'

when they can be more accurately described as 'temporarily fed up', 'tired'

or 'confused'.

The older child or children need to feel confident of their parents' love and their nanny's affection. Both you and the parents may need to step in courteously but firmly if family, friends or total strangers ignore the older siblings to coo over the new baby.

Older siblings need to feel that being the 'big' sister or brother has its advantages. They need to know that cuddles are as available to them now as before the baby came.

Show your appreciation that an older child is a 'big' boy or girl. Point out how well they manage to make the baby chortle, or how much their baby sister loves the game her brother has made up with hiding the rattle.

Remark on how helpful it is that they hold the toiletries when it is time for you to change the baby, or how well they steady the book so that you can read a long story sitting together on the sofa as you bottle-feed the baby.

Older siblings also feel happier when they can see that their nanny and their parents are keen to protect their interests and possessions.

Practical steps can help - for instance, Sam and Ellie may be used to playing on the floor, but when the baby starts to crawl, their jigsaws and drawing will be better protected if they sit up to the table.

You, and the parents, need to be realistic about what older children can manage in terms of sharing. Children are not impressed when told that they 'ought to share' with their younger siblings. But they may be happier with a lend-borrow system, especially if the baby has some attractive toys that the older sibling would enjoy.

CASE STUDY

Saira is working with a stepfamily in which a father and son have come together with a mother and two daughters to form a new family. Now there is a new baby - a scenario of 'mine', 'yours' and 'ours'. In close partnership with the children's parents, Saira has been dealing with practical issues over the pregnancy and then arrival of a baby brother.

Many of the issues and resolutions of them are the same as with any family - both before the birth and in the exhausting weeks and months after the baby has arrived. Saira was able to broach carefully to the parents that it was 13-year-old Lyn who was initially having most trouble with the prospect of a new baby, because here was tangible evidence for everyone that her parents 'did it'. Otherwise the three children were happy about the baby.

Six-year-old David was especially thrilled, since he had given up all hope of having a brother when his mother had left him and his dad. Saira had to check with the parents about whether it was all right to tell David that the sex of the baby was known. He needed to understand that his brother would not be able to play chase straightaway. David was also rather shocked at how noisy the baby was in the night.