Insight: New York tragedy

Woodlands Park Nursery Centre has produced an article on the recent terrible events in the US for its parents' newsletter, says Julian Grenier

As adults we have been shaken and disturbed by the terrible events in America. As we struggle to make some sense of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre in New York and the Pentagon, we should remember that children have their own perspectives and need help to cope with their feelings.

Each family will have its own ways of dealing with sad and frightening events. This article aims to raise ideas, not to set out 'the best way to talk to your child'. That is for you to judge. However, it is our experience at Woodlands Park that young children are highly aware of events in the world, and that all children, including babies, will pick up on anxiety and distress around them and may be affected.

How much to tell?

This depends on how much your child understands, and how much she or he has seen on the news or overheard. You might want to say a little, 'Some buildings were attacked and a lot of people were hurt - it's very sad,' and then respond to what your child says. You need to think about how much information your child can handle.

You might want to reassure your child at times when you seem upset - for example by something on the news - saying something like, 'I feel very sad about this, but I'm not angry with you.' You could reassure your child by saying, 'I will make sure that you are safe.' You could emphasise that the events happened a long way away.

Talking about death

Some children will ask if people have died, how many and so on. You could reply, 'Yes, people have died,' and, 'It's very sad.' Again, you could reassure your child that nothing bad is about to happen to them and that it happened a long way away.

Delayed responses

Many adults will have at first responded with a sense of shock and unreality, but as time goes by other feelings may emerge like sadness, fear and anger. Coverage will continue in the media for a long time and may become more direct and distressing. Children will be aware of the different adult moods around them. They may respond with unusual types of play, asking lots of questions, being clingy, or with difficult behaviour. All of these may be ways your child is dealing with the difficult feelings around them.

In response, you could give your child 'permission' to feel sad or have difficult feelings. Talk to your child about their feelings. If you think your child is reacting to the events, you could say something like, 'Is anything worrying you?' and follow your child's lead from there. If your child says they are thinking about the destruction in New York, you could tell them that you are thinking about the same thing and it is making you feel sad, too.

Accept your child's feelings - or play - or pictures. If they are playing violent games, knocking toys down or drawing violent or angry pictures, they are finding an important way to deal with the events all around. It may be helpful to let your child talk about it, or just to let your child express themselves. You may feel that your child is affected but does not want to talk at all. In our experience it is best to respect a child's wish not to talk.

You may need to protect your child from images in newspapers and on the television, and from adult conversations about the events.

In the Nursery Centre we will use the types of approaches outlined above. We will talk to children on an individual basis in response to what they say, or to their play or drawing, rather than talk to children in groups because we feel that different children have such different needs and responses to these events.

Share your worries

Feel free to share with the nursery team:

• Any concerns about your child
• Information about ways your child is dealing with the events
• If you are being particularly affected, for example, if you are worried about friends in America or have been bereaved
• Finally, if you experience hostility from neighbours or on the streets because of your religion or ethnicity, please share this with us and we will try to provide practical and emotional support for your family.
  
  

This piece draws on two articles on the Internet, adapted for the context of the UK

http://www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,6150+cbxfamilies,00. html

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