Analysis: Parents - Mothers suffer from separation
More social stigma attaches to absent mothers than fathers, but this only makes it more difficult for the children, says Judith Napier.
Secrets, lies and the loss of lullabies' is the telling phrase used by writer Sarah Hart to describe the experience of absent mothers.
Sarah Hart, who herself lived apart from her daughter, uses this as the starting point for her book on the subject, written as a self-help guide to relieve the isolation of the many women separated from their children.
Latest Child Support Agency figures reveal 66,900 women in the UK paying maintenance while living apart from their children. However, once other categories - unemployment, abduction, fostering, mental illness and so on - are taken into account, that number is estimated to be upwards of 150,000.
While figures remain low (around 3 per cent of UK non-resident parents are mothers), it is nonetheless significant and growing. It creates parenting issues which, say commentators, need new approaches that are not based on gender.
Research by Sandra Kielty of the University of East Anglia finds there are many similarities between non-resident parents, whether male or female, but that cultural expectations make the experience of non-resident motherhood very different from non-resident fatherhood.
Karen Woodall is director of the Centre for Separated Families, a national charity working with families experiencing divorce and separation. She says, 'The public perception is that, if you are a non-resident mum, you must have done something to deserve that status.'
Sarah Hart agrees. 'My experience of working with women is that they hide their status, there is guilt and shame. I have come across women who work from 9 to 5 and nobody knows they have children. It's not to say men do not suffer living apart from their children - but for women, it's the double whammy. You grieve on your own for fear of being judged.'
However, where absent parenthood is an active choice rather than a court-imposed decision, there is much less sense of shame. Karen Woodall says that, in families where women are the higher earners, non-resident mothers may be perfectly relaxed about the label. 'In that bracket we find high fliers in their careers, who are very comfortable with their status and happy to take up the role of minor carer. They see and feel no stigma, because they are not subject to social policy in the same way.
'It's at the other end of the spectrum, where people are subject to social policy, that we really see women suffering from the stigma attached to the label of non-resident.'
As a counsellor, Sarah Hart has advised women how to work through those issues of separation and loss. 'Maintain self-respect, and take really good care of yourself,' she advises. 'The sooner you start feeling better about yourself, the better for all concerned. If you can, love deeply and hold on lightly.
'Mothers may feel they are losing control and losing love, but there is no room for competition here. You are and always will be mother to your children.
'I am not for one instant saying it is easy, but I know it can be done, and I do know of other women who have come through this in a dignified way.'
QUALITY CONTACT
Whether children are affected more, or differently, by a mother's rather than father's absence is so far unmeasured. What is clear is that children do best when they have good-quality contact with both.
Salli Ward, chief executive officer of Manchester-based Pro-Contact, a charity working to facilitate parent and child contact, comments, 'There is a difference, in that not seeing dads is a lot more common. The differences are sociological - it is unexpected, it is against the norm.'
She adds, 'There may be particular culturally-determined benefits attached to the male figure and female figure which will be different for boy or girl children. It's nice, for example, for little girls to have a mum to do hair and make-up. But girls need their dads as a model of what a dad is like, and boys need their mums as a model of what a mum is like.'
Sarah Hart agrees. 'It is more difficult, possibly, for children to say to the world "mum doesn't live here any more". But I think it is very hard for children to be separated from a mum or a dad, and they long for that missing parent. And we need a debate on children having good access to both parents, not a tug-of-war which is disastrously damaging.'
That approach is echoed by Tom Caroll of One Parent Families Scotland. He says, 'We believe that both parents should be involved in a child's life, and research shows a child will do better even in later life if they have contact with both parents. The argument is between the parents, not between a child and the parents.'
He confirms that among fathers attending his Edinburgh Lone Fathers project there have been occasional predictable awkwardnesses with fathers of adolescent girls. 'But then again, that would apply with single mothers and sons in that age group. Society still perceives parenthood as a mother and child, and services are geared towards that.'
One father in the group speaks with particular insight about the damage done to children who lack access to both parents. When Neil married, he took on the two children from his wife's first marriage. When Neil's own marriage failed, he became resident carer of his own two boys, and is determined that his sons retain contact with their own mother.
He says, 'I see it from both sides. I saw the damage it caused to the older two children through not having their dad in their lives. I want my boys to have what's best, and I always speak positively about their mum. I've never put her down in front of them, for their sake. I will always encourage the relationship, even if it's through gritted teeth sometimes, and when they're older they can make up their own minds.'
PRESENT IN MIND
At Pro-contact, Salli Ward says contact with both biological parents is essential for the long-term well-being of children. 'Some literally have nothing to do with their mother. They don't even know who she is, or, they have only heard bad things about her and believe she deserted them.'
She says this can lead to long-term effects like low self-esteem, difficulties in forming relationships, and lack of confidence.
A mother may lose residence due to mental health issues, but Salli Ward believes children are well able to understand and adapt, and will benefit from direct contact. Even if, for whatever reason, direct contact is inadvisable, there should be something in its place - letters, birthday cards, a memory box or photographs.
'A lot is down to the resident parent to keep the absent parent as a member of the family,' she says. 'It is very difficult, given their desire sometimes to wipe out the other parent. You would hope that if dad's saying "your mum's awful", that would be countered by grandma in the background with positive messages. But too often she colludes with the father.'
If family members simply airbrush out the missing parent, that can be equally bad. 'It leaves a gap, and children will fill that gap with a fantasy, often a monster, or a perfect image - and neither is good. A child needs to know their parent is a real person with a fully rounded character.'
PARENTING ORDERS
Sarah Hart says an answer may be courts granting more shared parenting orders. 'Parenting must become a more co-operative arrangement, less gender-based.'
Children could benefit from raised awareness among teaching and nursery staff, who might otherwise find it easier simply not to refer to an absent parent. Salli Ward says they could help reinforce the presence of an absent mother in a child's life - 'If you mention her, it helps the child make a connection.'
Sarah Hart urges teachers not to be overly swayed by the resident parent's version of events. 'It is about fairness. I would urge teachers to remember there are always two sides to the story, and to accept that families come in all shapes and sizes.'
Researcher Sandra Kielty's conclusion - that there needs to be a gender-neutral framework for post-divorce parenting - echoes Sarah Hart's own views. She says, 'It's challenging for women as well as men, for professionals and for Government. I always make it clear that this is not a gender thing. I don't deny to fathers that the pain is as bad, but stigma makes a woman's burden much more difficult and we have to level the playing field.'
MORE INFORMATION
- One Parent Families Scotland, 13 Gayfield Square, Edinburgh, tel: 0131 556 3899
- National Lone Parent Helpline offers free and confidential advice and information on topics including childcare, welfare benefits, housing, money, legal rights, education/training and maintenance, Freephone 0808 801 0323
- The Centre for Separated Families, www.separatedfamilies.org.uk, helpline 0845 4786360
- Pro-contact, www.pro-contact.org.uk, tel 0161 737 8996.
